#1
SMILE [electric zoo]

i am
the drooping devil's smile
fangs bared, red eyed

one year ago,
i am
stone lips crumbling,
god's grotesque sculpture,
tongue waiting for the first
skinny, white bitch's
clit to lick

right now,
i am
raving on randall's island,
she's here, and electric zoo
is a vibrating prism of euro, guido
and hipster, where high on life
is a tab of acid, split
between us

i am
saying goodbye for good
she boards the ferry as the sun sets
i claim myself a new man as night
burns the lights brighter
into my skull

i am
exploding sun from my mouth,
from behind the tongue, through
my stone lips, smiling wide
fangs bared,
red eyed

i am
the lit, limp
spliff

i am
the twisted faces hanging
above the stage

i am
waiting,
smiling
Last edited by punchupatatigge at Sep 8, 2011,
#2
I don't know why this hasn't gotten any critiques yet. It's pretty damn well-written. The only part I didn't like was the "pussy" line; it's distasteful and seems too literal compared to the rest of the piece. Other than that, I quite enjoyed this piece.
#3
better or worse?


SMILE [electric zoo]
i am
the drooping devil's smile
fangs bared, red eyed

one year ago,
i am
stone lips crumbling,
god's grotesque sculpture,
tongue waiting for the first
skinny, white bitch's
clit to lick

right now,
i am
raving on randall's island,
she's here, and electric zoo
is a vibrating prism of euro, guido
and hipster, where high on life
is a tab of acid, split
between us

i am
saying goodbye for good
she boards the ferry as the sun sets
i claim myself a new man as night
burns the lights brighter
into my skull

i am
the sun exploding
from behind my tongue
through my stone lips,
i smile wide
fangs bared
red-eyed

i am
the twisted faces hanging
above the stage

i am
the lit, limp spliff

i am
waiting,
smiling.
#6
synth-- why the first one? i just put in a new version, i think i'm sticking with "white bitch's clit to lick" for rhythmic and rhyming purposes, not to mention highlighting the grotesque nature of my inner-crumbling sculpture devil
#7
oh baby. I read this before the change and I dig the second one^ The first one might have been more mild but if your gonna say that you should damn well go for it, or not at all.

strange how the bodys shell feels encrusted and hard but the mouth is still so alive and tantalizing. words, maybe, vitalize it.

burned "brighter" - doesnt seem to be necessary. is it only for the rhythm? maybe if we saw light earlier in the poem it would work.


good one teg. i love reading your stuff. it takes me places better than most people can.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#8
mmmmmmmm
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
Sorry this wasn't given its due attention, mate. I've been stressed recently and have neglected to even say congratulations. Well done for WotW.