#1
Part of my songwriting spree it seems. Any thoughts?

----------------
Redemption
----------------

So this girl looks at me
Now she can't get out of my head
She's became my soul reason
to crawl out bed
And I can't sleep at night
So I sleep throughout the day
With my eyes wide awake
In case my mind begins to stray

My friends "you've gone insane"
"it's like you're high, but it's just not the same"
Well maybe then I'll ask her out
And figure out what this is all about
Well now we've been out twice
And there's something I can't quite explain
She's what I want and what I need
I've been struck full on but feel no pain

You brought me back
From the edge of despairing, past hope and all caring
You brought me life
When the seconds were fleeting and I'd lost all meaning
You're my second wind
My all-but-one regret
If this is my born again redemption
Let it stick

And I love that look she gives when she says
"Which place, yours or mine?"
Whichever's best, I couldn't care less
My broken life has just realigned
And as we dance the same old dances
I can't help but realize
That you're the one I'll share all mine with
As she says "shut up and give me kiss"

You brought me back
From the edge of despairing, past hope and all caring
You brought me life
When the seconds were fleeting and I'd lost all meaning
You're my second wind
My all-but-one regret
If this is my born again redemption
Let it stick

Well what do you know
Who would have thought you'd make my heart glow
And I want you to know
There's no one else with whom I'd rather be alone
And when I get back from the daily grind
I know you'll be there alone and tired but still you'll be there
And I'll try and make clear how much I love you

You brought me back
From the edge of despairing, past hope and all caring
You brought me life
When the seconds were fleeting and I'd lost all meaning
You're my second wind
My all-but-one regret
If this is my born again redemption
Let it stick

You've made me sick and tired
but I have a lot to thank you for
You make me what I am
You make me 'me' again
So make jokes
'cause I don't care
Some things
are just better off said
Now I'm walking the empty solemn streets
Casting down the shadows of my defeat
You look at me as if I'm throwing my life away
Well I'll tell you now, I'm not a fucking hyperbole.

Honey
#2
You got flow, man. This is a very nice piece - you kept the subject on target, and your form is pretty solid. I don't like the breakdown of the structure in the "I love the look she gives" stanza, but I doubt that I'd notice it in the flow of the song, whether it were sung, spoken, or rapped.

I did find the assonance in "figure out what this is about" and the preceding and following lines a bit overbearing, but that wasn't much of a problem.

Be cool to hear this.

peace
Nothing to see here. Move along.
Last edited by Nilchii at Sep 9, 2011,
#3
I think that 'You're my second wind' sounds really nice. Im not sure what you mean with it, but in my opinion it is so strong that it coul be the name of the song

Lots of good stuff, keep it up.

/L