#1
I'm climbing stairs
up to that sacred top floor
soon I'll be hopping up
and down with dead dancers
on a Tim Buckley tune
We'll be singing, laughing
about that silly death
and you'll behold me in your dreams,
that's how you keep me alive

I'm gone

You'll wake up to a red sky
ill shadows cast over empty
boulevards where I'll never
set foot again
The pale silhouette of a tree
against the morning light
The glowing end of a cigarette
The water will be lively
as I drift towards the sea

I won't come back

Your feet will stand strong but
your arms wave along with the tide
no man will dare to touch you
He will cry
helplessly and pray for my return
hopefully

I may come back

Wash your clothes when you're done waving
let my flowers wither
forget me.

I will come back
#2
C4C as always
don't have mercy if you crit
Last edited by Karel Juwet at Sep 10, 2011,
#4
Overall good piece but may want to condense some of the peices to make it stronger. I think the goal behind this piece is sarcastic towards death.

I'm climbing stairs
up to that sacred top floor
soon I'll be hopping up
and down with dead dancers
on a Tim Buckley tune
We'll be singing, laughing
about that silly death
and you'll behold me in your dreams,
that's how you keep me alive

I'm gone

i assume sacred top floor is vahalla, nirvana, or heaven with that elevator tune. Therefore your gone from the world. Don't like the describtion silly death and death dancers. I recommend a visual idea of a skeleton image from the black plague in medeval times.

'You'll wake up to a red sky
ill shadows cast over empty
boulevards where I'll never
set foot again'
'The pale silhouette of a tree
against the morning light
The glowing end of a cigarette'
The water will be lively
as I drift towards the sea

I won't come back

No direction in this part because it needs to be broken down. Good describtion and metaphors which I like from this stanza. It doesn't have the chemistry though.

I broke it down to three parts thus make it more in depth with the peices.


'You'll wake up to a red sky
ill shadows cast over empty
boulevards where I'll never
set foot again'
nice flow


'The pale silhouette of a tree
against the morning light
The glowing end of a cigarette'
Great describtion in this part. keep it


'The water will be lively
as I drift towards the sea'
Vague imagery. don't like it needs to go.


Your feet will stand strong but
your arms wave along with the tide
no man will dare to touch you
He will cry
helplessly and pray for my return
hopefully

I may come back

Sense of opportunism when you return to your friend.

Wash your clothes when you're done waving
let my flowers wither
forget me.

I will come back

Sense death is upon the narrator but may return to the particular individual. Need more describition about this particular individual your talking about. Maybe throw in some past experiences you shared together. I dont sense an emotional attachment with the rest of the peice. Need to work on that. the atmospheric imagery is there but tie it together with this person.
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 12, 2011,
#5
Quote by jod23
Overall good piece but may want to condense some of the peices to make it stronger. I think the goal behind this piece is sarcastic towards death.

I'm climbing stairs
up to that sacred top floor
soon I'll be hopping up
and down with dead dancers
on a Tim Buckley tune
We'll be singing, laughing
about that silly death
and you'll behold me in your dreams,
that's how you keep me alive

I'm gone

i assume sacred top floor is vahalla, nirvana, or heaven with that elevator tune. Therefore your gone from the world. Don't like the describtion silly death and death dancers. I recommend a visual idea of a skeleton image from the black plague in medeval times.

'You'll wake up to a red sky
ill shadows cast over empty
boulevards where I'll never
set foot again'
'The pale silhouette of a tree
against the morning light
The glowing end of a cigarette'
The water will be lively
as I drift towards the sea

I won't come back

No direction in this part because it needs to be broken down. Good describtion and metaphors which I like from this stanza. It doesn't have the chemistry though.

I broke it down to three parts thus make it more in depth with the peices.


'You'll wake up to a red sky
ill shadows cast over empty
boulevards where I'll never
set foot again'
nice flow


'The pale silhouette of a tree
against the morning light
The glowing end of a cigarette'
Great describtion in this part. keep it


'The water will be lively
as I drift towards the sea'
Vague imagery. don't like it needs to go.


Your feet will stand strong but
your arms wave along with the tide
no man will dare to touch you
He will cry
helplessly and pray for my return
hopefully

I may come back

Sense of opportunism when you return to your friend.

Wash your clothes when you're done waving
let my flowers wither
forget me.

I will come back

Sense death is upon the narrator but may return to the particular individual. Need more describition about this particular individual your talking about. Maybe throw in some past experiences you shared together. I dont sense an emotional attachment with the rest of the peice. Need to work on that. the atmospheric imagery is there but tie it together with this person.


Well, thank you!
This is very helpful
Do you have something you'd want me to have a look at?