#1
I'm not sure which title to choose, what do people think? I wrote the first verse of this months ago and was going to keep it as that but it seems to have morphed into something else. I'm really quite pleased with it, I just wrote it. The middle section is based on William Blake's poem The Fly. Feedback would be appreciated, thanks (:

A bumblebee buzzed against a window
Banged its wretched head and struggled to be heard
Razor thin paper skyhook
Well it must have looked absurd
I turned aside to find some sweet words to say
And when I looked again it had gone away

A bluebottle span through a cavernous room
Antigravity ashtrayed in the gloom
Dazed and confused helicopter
Through the void you tumble
Oh, little fly, where will you go?
The world is small and getting smaller still

Am I not the same as you?
And are you not the same as I?
For I stumble through the days
As something greater far-off plays
Upon my words that float in a bottle
adrift on a sea of thought

A butterfly lives in a book by my bed
That I've not had time to read
He's looking for his Juliet
And knows not where she may be
But he'd better not take too long
Because it's time to turn out the light

This is a work in progress
Last edited by OKSauce at Sep 8, 2011,
#2
Quote by OKSauce
I'm not sure which title to choose, what do people think? I wrote the first verse of this months ago and was going to keep it as that but it seems to have morphed into something else. I'm really quite pleased with it, I just wrote it. The middle section is based on William Blake's poem The Fly. Feedback would be appreciated, thanks (:

A bumblebee buzzed against a window
Banged its wretched head and struggled to be heard
Razor thin paper skyhook
Well it must have looked absurd
I turned aside to find some sweet words to say
And when I looked again it had gone away

some very nice imagery right there. the last three lines . my only suggestion would be, extending the second line but not really necessary.

A bluebottle span through a cavernous room
Antigravity ashtrayed in the gloom
Dazed and confused helicopter
Through the void you tumble
Oh, little fly, where will you go?
The world is small and getting smaller still

I really like the use of "helicopter" as a metaphor. cant see anything that needs to be changed here.

Am I not the same as you?
And are you not the same as I?
For I stumble through the days
As something greater far-off plays
Upon my words that float in a bottle
adrift on a sea of thought

really good.

A butterfly lives in a book by my bed
That I've not had the time to read
He's looking for his Juliet
And knows not where she may be
But he'd better not take too long
Because it's time to turn out off the lights

not too sure about this stanza. I like the first two lines but at the same time it can use a bit of change, by keeping its meaning same and maybe rearranging the words? and I suppose the wrong grammer in the 4th line is intentional? after reading this stanza again and again, I really quite like the ending. all in all it was good nontheless

This is a work in progress


contrary to my critique, I really liked this piece alot. this is pretty awesome for a work in progress. keep on writing

oh n I'll go with bottled words.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I write poetry
And it sucks.