#1
Okay, let's try this again. I've been trying to read some of the stuff on this forum and make good critiques, but I've been grappling with life, and that tends to keep me busy.
Anyway.


Here's This.

Don't understand her, it's not the first time that I couldn't see straight right away.
Under the covers, think I'll hide until my blurry eyes adjust to the day.
Don't understand it, why'd she say "I'm a bad kid," when she proceeds like the chillest one?
Still she demands it, her face is porcelain that she insists is linoleum.
She'll smoke and drink the world away, "I'll **** it too." that's what she says.
It's just a stake, just a type of handle.
But if you could look inside closely, you'd see the cracks developing,
it's bound to break, bound to leave you to dangle.

I can't deny it. I got lost looking for a better life to live.
I'll wave goodbye then, 'cause I've got nothing left, see, there's no more lightning strikes to give.
Don't wanna try it. Don't wanna jeopardise my dismal state of affairs.
I'm just a lunatic. I'll take whatever I did wrong and do it 'till I do not care.
I'll drink and think the world away, I'd **** it too if I could stay graceful and suave like you might want.
Please, say that this acid rain will pass.
I need a hope, just one to stash,
say... that the up can last if you can just take the shot.

In short, oh my ****ing God.
#3
I like this song, because of the emotion in the words and the flow. I think your definitely going to have to do a rewrite or two and try to tweak out the cliche stuff and expand on your ideas.

In those two short verses I think you could flesh out the whole story a whole lot more and give it more emotion and feeling into it. Work towards getting all the cliche ideas out of it.

Trying playing around with the "Subject" words such as "He, She and I" as just by changing these around you can get all sorts of different feels from the same line.

Really good start for a song though hope I'm not being too critical.
#4
Oh, thank you. I didn't see your reply until today. Yeah, I wrote it while drunk, so I standardized it a bit... :P
I'll probably take another whack at it when I don't have three Humanities papers to write. Seriously, thanks man.