#1
and if no one can hear me i think i’ll go to heaven
dress down at the doorstep

on my head
place a bony bird nest
step in unwanted
stared at like a pest who
wont die wont crumble to the news paper
clippings that show my brother’s ghost
climbing steps to graduation
hands cuffed raised high like
a medieval body drawn and quartered
thrown on the pyre, limbs nicely sorted
into ashes

and i’ll ask god if he has time
to talk

to end up at divinity school
is to have died a long time ago
suddenly theres too many needles in my throat

some day a torch in my adams apple
i cannot breach him to believe in limbo
death is always slow, i whisper
(i grab and spin his shoulders)
turn around my son
and go
#3
Quote by #1 synth
and if no one can hear me i think i’ll go to heaven
dress down at the doorstep

on my head
place a bony bird nest
step in unwanted
stared at like a pest who
wont die wont crumble to the news paper
clippings that show my brother’s ghost
climbing steps to graduation
hands cuffed raised high like
a medieval body drawn and quartered
thrown on the pyre, limbs nicely sorted
into ashes

and i’ll ask god if he has time
to talk

to end up at divinity school
is to have died a long time ago
suddenly theres too many needles in my throat

some day a torch in my adams apple
i cannot breach him to believe in limbo
death is always slow, i whisper
(i grab and spin his shoulders)
turn around my son
and go


great use of assonance, especially the last stanza

first stanza is amazing!

the second to last stanza could use some reorganization. the first two lines are great diction, but dont flow to the third or between each other. powerful words lacking the delivery. "to have died" "theres too many" dilute phrasing in this case, but rearranging could let you keep them as is.

interesting work, but the wordplay takes a turn for the worse in the middle. beginning and end are great. perhaps some cutting? not sure, but the first stanza really saves it and makes it a good piece.

good work synth
i'm in calcutta right now, headed to sri lanka for a bit before heading back to college. will be in new york intermittently for weekends over the next few months-- let's grab a drink some time. you still around the city?