#1
My name is unclear
Laying down on the hard surface
My eyes twitching heart aching
Felt the blood running down my tostrils
Till I can taste it

Climbed the stairway to the great eye
Looking for guidance in dire times
Used the latern to illuminate
In this murky cave
On this bedrock surface
Darkness crept slowly again

The hour poured redundantly
In the outer edges of molden rock
Lava traveling at a steady pace
Felt knifes peircing through my skin
Bitter taste of pine needles
Touching my tongue with a burning sensation
Sharp pain in my right leg untreatable

Sent to deliever a message
But it became unclear for whom
A letter nor words were my sources in the treaty
Unknowningly the fabriction is clear
Antagonistic feeling inside myself
Very onerous to account for

end
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 9, 2011,
#2
My name is unclear
Laying down on the hard surface
My eyes twitching heart aching
Felt the blood running down my tostrils
Till I can taste it

I don't like the change of time here. It may be better to use Feel instead of Felt
I suggest you add some punctuation. Especially between eyes twitching and heart aching.
It's a good opener, you set the tone and you keep the tone consistent throughout the poem.



Climbed the stairway to the great eye
Looking for guidance in dire times
Used the lantern to illuminate
In this murky cave
On this bedrock surface
Darkness crept slowly again

A good combination of describing the surroundings and describing the 'action'. I think the 5th line is superfluous though.


The hour poured redundantly
In the outer edges of molden rock
Lava traveling at a steady pace
Felt knifes peircing through my skin
Bitter taste of pine needles
Touching my tongue with a burning sensation
Sharp pain in my right leg untreatable

The hour poured redundantly is a bit vague at first but when I get the link with the lava running down the hill, it makes sense. The threefold adds to the flow, but I feel that the second one is too long. I'd rather say it like this:

'Felt knifes peircing through my skin
bitter taste of pine needles
sharp pain in my leg untreatable'


Sent to deliver a message
But it became unclear for whom
A letter nor words were my sources in the treaty
Unknowningly the fabriction is clear
Antagonistic feeling inside myself
Very onerous to account for

The only thing I would change here is feelings instead of feeling on the 5th line.


Overall, good piece. You used strong images and people can relate to it thanks to the powerful descriptions of the feelings and sensations. The meaning can be interpreted in various ways. That means it's either vague or it could adress a variety of people