#1
Hey guys, I'm from a melodic death metal band called A Haunted Mantra. I wrote these lyrics for a song called Septoplastic Carnage after having sinus surgery. I think they're ****ing brutal. Watch a live performance of the song here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/ahauntedmantra#p/u/4/reOn_iIBelM

Scream in pain
Anesthesia has failed
Incisions made
To carve inside my brain
It’s time to be brave
The surgeon leaves his mark
Scalpel pushing ever deeper
Into me
Agony
How long will
This ****ing hell last?
I want this pain
To subside
Oh God please give me morphine
Alleviate me
From this septoplastic carnage

Now the time is here
My body is mine no more
I’m leaving this world
Never to return
But I can’t help to wonder
Is this all that there is
Has to be something more to life
But I fear there’s nothing else
#4
Why is the tone so bad?
Gear:

Gibson 2005 Les Paul Standard
Fender Road Worn Strat w/ Noiseless pickups
Marshall JCM 2000 401C
Marshall Vintage Modern 2266
Marshall 1960A cab (Dave Hill from Slade's old cab)
Ibanez TS9DX
EHX Little Big Muff
Freshman Acoustic
#5
Generally good stuff, but you should work on spacing the lines out in the actual song, because it sounds to me like you're trying to force too long of a sentence in too short of time (f.ex. "How long will/This ****ing hell last?"). But good besides that.
C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479108
Gear:
Electric
2008 Epiphone G400 Heritage CherryFUBAR
2008 Ibanez GRG 170 DX
2009 Cort KX1Q
2011 LTD H 351 NT
Randall RG 50 TC
Ernie Ball 11-54
Acoustic
Dean Markley
Dunlop 10's