#1
Kind of meant as a short acoustic song (again). I'll stick up the meaning behind it all later but I'd be very interested in getting people's interpretations and thoughts on it.

Dress me as a preacher
So I can tell stories
View me as a mother
Who can do no wrong
Design your own policeman
One who never sleeps
Mask me as a monster
Just for fun we'll see

Hush up little secrets
I don't want to hide
Douse me in the last words
That no one tries to find
Screen my little lone house
Brash in colouring
Boxed up in the back seat
Strange but handling


I am not your lone map
Instructing you through streets
I am not your mayor
Signing on each sheet
I am not your soldier
Freeing up cities
I am not your lover
Nor am I discreet

I am not your lone map
Instructing you through streets
I am not your mayor
Signing on each sheet
I am not your soldier
Freeing up cities
I am not your lover
Nor am I discreet
#4
Quote by Drodan
I'll try my best to give you some constructive feedback. Let's see...

Dress me as a preacher
So I can tell stories
View me as a mother
Who can do no wrong
Design your own policeman
One who never sleeps
Mask me as a monster
Just for fun we'll see

The first verse seems pretty innocent. I love the policeman line, which does give it a bit of bite. So far, it looks to me like a pretty cool piece about identity and I like how the cliché 'I-just-am-who-I-am'-baseline has been reversed here. 'Just colour me whichever way you want, I'm game'. Solid start.

The only thing I'd want to critique here is that 'stories' is pressure-light in the last syllable. This in and of itself is fine, but I would personally want to set precedence in the first two lines, so that my audience has more solid feeling of how the meter goes in the verse - the fact that the very first meta-line ends with you diverting from a meter you haven't even established yet is a little awkward. Still, if you can get away with it as a performer, it's not that big a deal.


Hush up little secrets
I don't want to hide
Douse me in the last words
That no one tries to find
Screen my little lone house
Brash in colouring
Boxed up in the back seat
Strange but handling

Content-wise, the song has lost a lot of innocence now, which is a cool progression. We go from the different roles such as mother, preacher and benevolent policeman to the object of this song becoming more hostile. He covers up things that should stay uncovered and the 'last words' line is almost morbid. The first half of this verse seems like a confrontation with mortality.

The latter half seems equally existential. The house is your existence. It's violent and weird and it's boxed up in the back seat of your car, signifying a doubt that you haven't found your proper place yet - something which ties in very well with the first verse. I have no idea what you mean by 'Strange but handling'.

I have considerably more to critique about this verse, though. First of all, you might want to consider switching the two halves of this verse around - starting with existential doubt and ending with being confronted with your own mortality seems like a more natural progression to me.

Second, 'lone house' is kind of weird here. It seems like it wants to be 'lonely', but became 'lone' when the meter needed it to be a syllable shorter. Because it sort of sticks out, it ruins some of the flow - which is the entire reason to use a meter to begin with. It just seems counter-productive.

Lastly, I'd have liked a more natural, smooth progression from verse 1 to 2. It looks kind of like they were written on two different days, then stuck together. Don't get me wrong, I love the overall progression, it would just be cool if the verses had a bit more in common, I guess. I don't know if that makes any sense.


I am not your lone map
Instructing you through streets
I am not your mayor
Signing on each sheet
I am not your soldier
Freeing up cities
I am not your lover
Nor am I discreet

This is great because it does a great job as a contrast to the first verse. Where you started out letting yourself be associated with whatever image the object of the song chooses, you are now defining the limits of your identity.

This stanza seems to be all about creating distance. You're ok with being an authority figure - from mother and preacher to cop, but you don't want to be the only thing that the object relies on.

Once more, i dislike 'lone map'. Other than that, great stanza.

Basically, it seems to me that the overall theme of this song is some kind of mentor's relationship to his/her student, mixed up with a good portion of existential doubt in the middle.
Overall, good job, and as my final comment, I guess I just hope that you could use this block of text in some way.
#5
One of the better songs I've seen on this forum
Not exactly a frequent poster.
#6
Quote by AlienFinger79


The first verse seems pretty innocent. I love the policeman line, which does give it a bit of bite. So far, it looks to me like a pretty cool piece about identity and I like how the cliché 'I-just-am-who-I-am'-baseline has been reversed here. 'Just colour me whichever way you want, I'm game'. Solid start.

The only thing I'd want to critique here is that 'stories' is pressure-light in the last syllable. This in and of itself is fine, but I would personally want to set precedence in the first two lines, so that my audience has more solid feeling of how the meter goes in the verse - the fact that the very first meta-line ends with you diverting from a meter you haven't even established yet is a little awkward. Still, if you can get away with it as a performer, it's not that big a deal.

Hush up little secrets
I don't want to hide
Douse me in the last words
That no one tries to find
Screen my little lone house
Brash in colouring
Boxed up in the back seat
Strange but handling

Content-wise, the song has lost a lot of innocence now, which is a cool progression. We go from the different roles such as mother, preacher and benevolent policeman to the object of this song becoming more hostile. He covers up things that should stay uncovered and the 'last words' line is almost morbid. The first half of this verse seems like a confrontation with mortality.

The latter half seems equally existential. The house is your existence. It's violent and weird and it's boxed up in the back seat of your car, signifying a doubt that you haven't found your proper place yet - something which ties in very well with the first verse. I have no idea what you mean by 'Strange but handling'.

I have considerably more to critique about this verse, though. First of all, you might want to consider switching the two halves of this verse around - starting with existential doubt and ending with being confronted with your own mortality seems like a more natural progression to me.

Second, 'lone house' is kind of weird here. It seems like it wants to be 'lonely', but became 'lone' when the meter needed it to be a syllable shorter. Because it sort of sticks out, it ruins some of the flow - which is the entire reason to use a meter to begin with. It just seems counter-productive.

Lastly, I'd have liked a more natural, smooth progression from verse 1 to 2. It looks kind of like they were written on two different days, then stuck together. Don't get me wrong, I love the overall progression, it would just be cool if the verses had a bit more in common, I guess. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I am not your lone map
Instructing you through streets
I am not your mayor
Signing on each sheet
I am not your soldier
Freeing up cities
I am not your lover
Nor am I discreet

This is great because it does a great job as a contrast to the first verse. Where you started out letting yourself be associated with whatever image the object of the song chooses, you are now defining the limits of your identity.

This stanza seems to be all about creating distance. You're ok with being an authority figure - from mother and preacher to cop, but you don't want to be the only thing that the object relies on.

Once more, i dislike 'lone map'. Other than that, great stanza.

Basically, it seems to me that the overall theme of this song is some kind of mentor's relationship to his/her student, mixed up with a good portion of existential doubt in the middle.

Overall, good job, and as my final comment, I guess I just hope that you could use this block of text in some way.


First off thank you so so much for such a detailed and thought out assessment, you have no idea how much it's appreciated so thank you very much.

I found it quite interesting reading your post as a lot of the things you seemed to pull from the piece were what I was aiming to portray which is great. The song came from a very unhealthy relationship with a mutual friend of an ex-girlfriend's and my own questioning of who I was as a person during that part of my life.

To sum it up as simply as I can, while I was good friends with this girl she became very dependant and almost obsessive about the friendship we had. If she had a problem or was upset she'd run to me for council and take everything I said to heart, almost to a point where she lost her own identity and became this deluded and mixed up person because she could not think for herself. She assumed that I was this self confident, wise (her's and the ex's words not mine) and mature person who was always right.

While the song in essence is about myself, my beliefs and values, the first verse is meant to portray me as she saw me. I was the guy who protected her from the cruelty of the world (policeman), soften her hurt with stories of my own past mistakes (preacher) and this person who is all knowing, that following my advice to the letter would make everything ok (the mother, as she lost her mother some years before and would ask me things usually a young girl would as her mother).

The second verse is my own opinion of myself, who I am and what I became at that time and the type of person I wanted to be. I had my own questions, doubts and concerns that lay underneath but wanted to no longer keep them hidden, to remove the image of the innocent, shy, quiet lad and show I had opinions, feelings, doubts etc like everyone else and that I didn't have it all figured out. I'd quite often take on other people's problems and deal with them as my own, while the person/people would continue their life burden free as I was carrying it. The line "Boxed up in the back seat, Strange but handling" was to mean that I had all these worries, that wern't mine but kept them hidden away, that I knew the situation was strange but somehow was able to continue on. The line "Screen my little lone house, Brash in colouring" is my way of wanting to show I'm different, not the same as everyone else and wouldn't pretend to be, which only furthered the feeling of isolation from the average person my age(as I'd cut my hair the way I liked not just the way that was popular for the time etc).

The last verse was the moment I realised that I was my own self, different values and opinions and wasn't going to be the person others wanted me to be any more, that I wasn't this amazing faultless hero and people needed to accept that. The last two lines are especially poignant as the girl feel in love me with and had in fact attempted to break myself and her friend up for several months and symbolizes the moment when I snapped and told her that I wasn't in love with her, that we wern't going to happen and I wasn't going to continue defending her craziness with other people (it came up a lot), that I made it known we were never an item, never would be, and that I made sure she and everyone else knew it, I no longer went about it in the nice way hoping to protect other's feelings.