#1
i ripped my head from the scaffolding
to see you fleeing through the wheat field
and your skirt was riding up over your bloomers
and the wind was coming from the snoring open mouths of dead kings
like the hounds at your heels
barefoot prints
bandaids and downhill sprints
to save the black dahlia halfway through her surgery
just because i was made of coal doesnt make my screams imaginary
(dont act so dirty in front of mother sister kiss me
sew lead balloons into my heart flaps just to tear them out
knee in my stomach feels goodness gracious me)
poeticizing that lesbian bitch who tried to kill me
and im tripping over glass hurdles i left to wake me
when the devil sings in me
(so i love to sing along)
after all, we're just a human being
crab walking exorcist seeing
my future daughter slaying
strings on a violin
i’ll make her take lessons until her thumbs bleed
(give me love)
kneed the need until my thumbs bleed
feed wells in my backyard with cut wrists

I lost the world and now i’m coming back into it
culture shock and thick saliva jaw lock
hilary breaking her leg and a new cock
in someones mouth
i wouldnt even recognize the corners
if they blew away my eyelashes
drop the knife drop the bullet drop the gun drop the song devil boy within
and
ohm
#2
If you have a central theme or message, is pretty well buried in a mountain of irrelevant phrases and lines.
#3
it's a break up poem. fighting inevitability. desperate love. abandonment leading to irrepressible control of others you love. eventual pacification as you realize you will never be able to control the will of another soul, nor should you want to.
#4
Quote by #1 synth

Everything's a break-up poem. It is the only genre.
This is severe open mic poetry right here, homeslice, espcially towards the end.

i ripped my head from the scaffolding
to see you fleeing through the wheat field
and your skirt was riding up over your bloomers
and the wind was coming from the snoring open mouths of dead kings
Drop this 'and' that starts this line.
like the hounds at your heels
barefoot prints
Brilliantly conconcted single line. Smart Dyl.
bandaids and downhill sprints
to save the black dahlia halfway through her surgery
just because i was made of coal doesnt make my screams imaginary
Shame you dip into wayward cliche here though. You're more of a man than "made of coal", step it up a notch, you can think of a more ballsy self-analysis than that. Cliche's are for when you're breaking bad news to others, brutal self-depreceating honest is where this should be at.
(dont act so dirty in front of mother sister kiss me
sew lead balloons into my heart flaps just to tear them out
knee in my stomach feels goodness gracious me)
You bring it back wildly here though. Maybe the dullness of the coal line works nice against this bloodshed. You missed an apostrophe, however.

Not sure if this viscreal imagery is a little beyond you now though, Dylan. The first two lines of this passage you could have written a few years back. As good as they are.


poeticizing that lesbian bitch who tried to kill me
F*ck yeah. Etc.
and im tripping over glass hurdles i left to wake me
when the devil sings in me
I don't think this devil lines works and I don't believe it adds to the piece one iota. Literally, nothing would be missed thematically if it disappeared.
(so i love to sing along)
after all, we're just a human being
crab walking exorcist seeing
my future daughter slaying
strings on a violin
i’ll make her take lessons until her thumbs bleed
(give me love)
kneed the need until my thumbs bleed
feed wells in my backyard with cut wrists

I lost the world and now i’m coming back into it
culture shock and thick saliva jaw lock
hilary breaking her leg and a new cock
in someones mouth
i wouldnt even recognize the corners
if they blew away my eyelashes
drop the knife drop the bullet drop the gun drop the song devil boy within
and
ohm
This was pretty explosively solid from you. Nice rhythm 'n bop to it. Strong thematically, brazen in your phrasing and pretty quick wit. Sharp stuff.


Deceptively impressive, if nothing more than a far more polished, experienced and mature version of something you would have written in 2008.