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#1
What are the stupidest things you've heard someone say relating to computers? Computer illiterate people are the worst.

Shit like "YOU RUINED MY COMPUTER BY INSTALLING THAT GOOGLE CHROME THING 2 MONTHS AGO!!"

Yeah, I'm sure it was Google Chrome that made your computer slow, not your hundreds of toolbars and your Cursor Mania and your 30 free screensavers.

So share stories. Or not.
Quote by korinaflyingv
On the come up we were listening to Grateful Dead and the music started passing through my bowel and out my arsehole as this violet stream of light. I shat music. It was beautiful.
Last edited by Burgery at Sep 14, 2011,
#2
Buy a mac.


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LET'S GO BUCKS
#3
My mum once wrecked our computer years ago ( back in the early ninties when computers were scary and mystical...and also damn expensive).
She blamed it on my games that I had bought for it, and even at that age I knew that it had been nothing to do with me, but of course I took the rap for it. Even though I had been nowhere near it at the time.
#4
^ same, people saying games mess up computers. It's funny how people who are good with computers never have ANY viruses/bugs etc, yet computer 'tards manage to BSOD every other week.
#5
"your porn gave my computer a ton of viruses!"

it was the keygen i downloaded, silly you
Quote by archerygenious
Jesus Christ since when is the Pit a ****ing courtroom...

Like melodic, black, death, symphonic, and/or avant-garde metal? Want to collaborate? Message me!
#6
my nan responding to why her computer was taking ages to start up:
'there must be a lot of people on the internet today'
#8
My brother: "Ever since you started downloading those VST's the computers been slow"

Me: "Or, you know, it could be all the dodgy websites you go to to download movies"

Brother: "Are you an idiot? Why would that slow it down?"
#9
My mom said that minecraft crashed her computer when it was actually hard drive failure.
Quote by Lord_Doku
The entire Spider line sounds like a trashcan getting humped by a fire truck while it's in the garbage disposal unit.

Basically...
#10
Stupidest thing I've ever heard from a computard.

Someone referring to a monitor as a TV.

My mom swearing up and down that my nieces music collection crashed her PC, even after I told her it was hard drive failure. She still thinks that my niece was responsible to this day.
Quote by FatalGear41
In the end, the only question is: what bass would Jesus play?

I think he's a Fender Jazz guy.
Last edited by Alucard817 at Sep 13, 2011,
#11
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-guy-whos-fixing-your-computer-hates-you/

OT: i got an e-mail from my mom saying that some "massive computer virus" was set to hit the world in the near future, and the only way to avoid it was to NOT open the e-mail it was sent in, and if you did get that e-mail, you had to shut off your computer until the whole thing blew over.

Did a bit of digging, and it turned out to be a e-mail hoax dating to about 2008. Besides that, you can't get a virus from an e-mail unless you download an infected attachment.
Quote by MakinLattes
I'd kill you and wear your skin.
Quote by Siv During Livh
To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet's nest is a very bad idea,

Voted UG's worst cross dresser.
Also voted #95 on UG's Top 100 2013. Like it means anything....
#12
Pretty much everything my parents say regarding computers. Stuff like "your games are slowing down the computer" and "is Firefox gonna give us a virus?"

Makes me rage every time.
#13
"I love Vista! It doesn't have all the glitches XP did!"

Warden: There is no moral orders as pure as this storm.
There's no moral order at all.
There's just this:
Can my violence conquer yours?

-Shutter Island
#14
Quote by Chad11491
^ same, people saying games mess up computers. It's funny how people who are good with computers never have ANY viruses/bugs etc, yet computer 'tards manage to BSOD every other week.

Case in point: I have a cheap but reasonably good computer. Only ever got a virus once when I was an idiot and didn't adjust settings after a reinstallation of my browser/firewall (bought a new internet security program and decided to change browsers which I was doing it). Everything is clinical and clean, well organised. It takes about 2 minutes to start up.

My mum has a very expensive laptop. Folders all over the desktop, loads of toolbars, always needs updating, and takes a good 10 minutes to start up properly, else it decided to go all spacker on you if you don't let it start up properly. I still get annoyed when I'm asked how to burn a disk on iTunes.
Quote by EndTheRapture51
who pays five hundred fucking dollars for a burger
Last edited by Banjocal at Sep 13, 2011,
#15
not quite what you're looking for, but i read this today and thought you guys might like it.
There's no such thing; there never was. Where I am going you cannot follow me now.
#16
-My friend, a former Micro Center sales associate, when asked about the differences between SSD and HDD:
"solid state drives are like hard drives, but more solid."

-People who think more hard drive space = better performance

-People who think internet speed is affected by computer performance

-People who only gauge the value of a computer by its main hardware components

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#17
actually this comes in second, but my mate who knew nothing about electricity, tried to upgrade his computer with a 150w power supply. he originally had a 650w. go figure
#18
People who think that installing games automatically damage the computer.


Also people who open those .ppt that are on some e-mails.
Are You a PROG-HEAD? I am.

Steam/XBL Gamertag: Ostinattos

Why not Zoidberg?




Note: Every time someone posts <3 all I see is testicles with a party hat.
#19
When people tell me that defraging your computer and deleting your cookies won't make your computer faster...I'm like....wtf? You have 256 mb of trash cookies stored on your computer, over 200 registry issues, and your computer is fragmented by 40%, you computer is running like the US government, slow, and can't find what they need when they need it.
#20
Quote by ethan_hanus
When people tell me that defraging your computer and deleting your cookies won't make your computer faster...I'm like....wtf? You have 256 mb of trash cookies stored on your computer, over 200 registry issues, and your computer is fragmented by 40%, you computer is running like the US government, slow, and can't find what they need when they need it.

So not only are your politics stuck in the 80s, your computers are too. Koo.
#21
My grandma has a laptop, and she downloads a SHIT TON of games, like Casino games and shit, and she has Vista, and all that bad shit. So every time it has a problem, she blames me or my sister, when neither of us are even allowed to use her laptop because she doesn't let us...

Even if it's just the router needing a restart (like, unplugging it for a second and plugging it back in to make the internet connect again), she actually calls a guy to come fix it.
#22
Quote by Alucard817

My mom swearing up and down that my nieces music collection crashed her PC, even after I told her it was hard drive failure. She still thinks that my niece was responsible to this day.


Good thing she didn't blame Marilyn Manson or Slipknot.
Quote by SlinkyBlue


The solution is simple and obvious.

We revolt against ourselves. Mass suicide. The ultimate revolution.
#23
Quote by Xiaoxi
-My friend, a former Micro Center sales associate, when asked about the differences between SSD and HDD:
"solid state drives are like hard drives, but more solid."

-People who think more hard drive space = better performance

-People who think internet speed is affected by computer performance

-People who only gauge the value of a computer by its main hardware components

Actually this is true. PC performance affects how fast you can surf the web, download and other interweb things.
Quote by FatalGear41
In the end, the only question is: what bass would Jesus play?

I think he's a Fender Jazz guy.
#24
Quote by Alucard817
Actually this is true. PC performance affects how fast you can surf the web, download and other interweb things.

No, the speed stays the same. It's a matter of how your browser performs.

The same MC friend told me one time some lady came in and insisted on getting a "really good computer" that will be able to make her Internet "super fast". When he tried to explain that the computer doesn't make the Internet faster, she refused to believe him. So he just used her stupidity to his advantage and convinced her to get the most expensive Mac...for "ultimate internets".

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
Last edited by Xiaoxi at Sep 13, 2011,
#25
Quote by Alucard817
Actually this is true. PC performance affects how fast you can surf the web, download and other interweb things.


At most, it affects your Internet browser's response speed; nothing more.
#26
Quote by hriday_hazarika
At most, it affects your Internet browser's response speed; nothing more.


never had packet loss? from a shitty network card.
#27
Quote by Xiaoxi
-People who think internet speed is affected by computer performance

Mother of god, this.
#28
Quote by Marshmelllow
never had packet loss? from a shitty network card.


Nope.

Every time I have an Internet problem, it's because of the service provider. I know this because I call them and find out.
#29
Quote by Xiaoxi

-People who think more hard drive space = better performance

With SSD's it does, generally.
For Frodo!
Quote by jrcsgtpeppers
No because a world full of marbles silly man is just as real as a half empty glass of microwaved nesquik.
#30
Both of my parents were computer programmers around the late 80's and 90's.
My mother doesn't like anyone watching youtube videos because it could possibly download a virus.
#31
I once had to help a person who is only a few years older than me book a flight and hotel room online because they 'found it too difficult'. If i was helping an old granny do this - Ok fine, this is reasonable, old age and modern technology dont mix well, but this person was in his teens during the computer technology explosion of the 90's!!!!!
Gear:
Jackson Dinky DK2L
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#32
In my writing class, the professor turned on the computer and went online to look for a website where her presentation was stored, but that browser didn't have the website on it's bookmarks, so she turned it off and said she'd have to call the IT department, and she will show it to us next time.

Also, we had to submit videos for my Calculus final in high school, and watching people try to open their videos on the school computer was the most entertaining and frustrating time of the year. One person never compiled their video, they just put the project file on a flash drive and expected it to play. Another group didn't even have a video with a file type. They argued about it for ten minutes before I finally got up, added ".avi" to the end of the file, sat down, and cried on the inside as their shitty video played.
Last edited by RPGoof at Sep 13, 2011,
#33
Quote by robertito696
With SSD's it does, generally.

HARD drive

Most people don't even know what SSD is yet. And even then, you'd have to set up a RAID array.

...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
Last edited by Xiaoxi at Sep 13, 2011,
#34
Me, about 14 years old, on my parents' old as shit IBM Aptiva running Windows 90-fukken-8: "Hey look, I made this game!"

Parents: "How?"

Me: "I taught myself some programming and th-"

Parents: "STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY WE DON'T NEED YOU REPROGRAMMING THE COMPUTER DO YOU KNOW EXPENSIVE IT WAS THAT AND YOUR QUICK CLICKING"

(other cool story)

Parents' first computer's EULA: "Use of herp-derp-blerp may cause a fatal error"
Mom: "Sounds like if we use herp-derp-blerp, someone's gonna kill us."

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#35
Quote by SteveHouse

Parents' first computer's EULA: "Use of herp-derp-blerp may cause a fatal error"
Mom: "Sounds like if we use herp-derp-blerp, someone's gonna kill us."

Your mom's right.


...modes and scales are still useless.


Quote by PhoenixGRM
Hey guys could you spare a minute to Vote for my band. Go to the site Search our band Listana with CTRL+F for quick and vote Thank you .
Quote by sam b
Voted for Patron Çıldırdı.

Thanks
Quote by PhoenixGRM
But our Band is Listana
#36
My mom's computer is about 6 years old, and I've seen faster computers from the late 90's. I keep telling her that she has alot of registry errors, her hard drive needs to be defragged, I even suggested to reinstall the OS. She flips a shit on me if I mention anything about her computer, claiming that she's been using computers for longer, and that she knows more than me.

I even built my own computer and she still insists that she knows more about computers than me, and I've never gotten a virus, except for when I disabled my antivirus to download a program. (LEGIT, mind you, I had downloaded it before.) I just forgot to enable it again.
#37
Another thing, my sister doesn't know that you can tap the power button to get your computer out of sleep mode, so she repeatedly opens and closes her laptop to get it to wake up.

I even told her that you can tap the button to wake it up, but snaps back saying "I know how to work my own computer."
Quote by MakinLattes
I'd kill you and wear your skin.
Quote by Siv During Livh
To attempt to have intercourse with a hornet's nest is a very bad idea,

Voted UG's worst cross dresser.
Also voted #95 on UG's Top 100 2013. Like it means anything....
#38
Quote by muffinduck01
Another thing, my sister doesn't know that you can tap the power button to get your computer out of sleep mode, so she repeatedly opens and closes her laptop to get it to wake up.

I even told her that you can tap the button to wake it up, but snaps back saying "I know how to work my own computer."

Reminds me: Every time I power a computer down by pressing the button someone different freaks out. LIKEOMGYOU'REGONNAHURTTHECOMPUTERLIKETHAT! Only if the Windows shut-down process borks. You're thinking of holding the button, which not only instantly gives you e-syphillis, is also a ten yard penalty.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#39
semi-related, but when my mom first got a cell phone a few years back, she would call text messages 'emails' and call checking her phone for texts 'checking her email'.
Remember through sounds
Remember through smells
Remember through colors
Remember through towns
-Modest Mouse, "Novocaine Stain"
#40
Quote by Xiaoxi
No, the speed stays the same. It's a matter of how your browser performs.

Ya and computer performance depicts browser performance.

Heres a test for ya. Download a crapload of adware, perform no maintenance and make your computer performance suffer, then tell me it doesn't affect your internet speed.
Or remove most of your RAM, then cut your processors speed in half, then tell me it doesn't affect your internet connection.
Quote by hriday_hazarika
At most, it affects your Internet browser's response speed; nothing more.

Not entirely accurate. Having a poorly performing computer can also slow your pipeline down to a crawl.
Try the same experiments I pointed out to Xiaoxi.


For the both of you.
Having poorly performing hardware can also affect your speed, as pointed out earlier with the NIC card example.
Quote by FatalGear41
In the end, the only question is: what bass would Jesus play?

I think he's a Fender Jazz guy.
Last edited by Alucard817 at Sep 13, 2011,
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