#1
Hey guys, this is more for that of a rap song. If you have any Crit I'd love to hear it.

What the hell is wrong with me
i'm just not the man i want to be
i'm no charlie scheen or charlie scene
i'm just another wannabe

"just be yourself" they always say
but being myself didn't work today
i wanna be better and hell i've tried
haven't you seen these tears i've cried?

I pushed on through hardships
slaved over worthless tips
from people who try to save me
from everything i crave

i'm addicted to you
and addicted to life
i'm addicted to truth
but yet i'm weilding this knife

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

I wait for tomorrow cause now i can see
the lies you spewed gave hope to me
but tomorrow i lay there as i choke
on the devilish lies you sinfully spoke

pitifully lying on the cold hard ground
i sob at the thought of every sound
that's coming after me in my paranoid brain
it's shit like this that makes me insane

now i slowly try to get back onto my feet
wondering how you had the heart to cheat
and lie to my face about my ****ing life
and tell me everythings gonna be alright

but i push on now and forget about you
think of more productive things to say and do
i put the thought of you to the back of my head now
and never think of when i'll get my mind back, or how

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to say why
I couldn't even care if i tried
But don't worry I'll survive

Even if I get shot down
I'll get back to my feet
Even if I get shot up
I'll heal in time so to speak

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to say why
I couldn't even care if i tried
But don't worry I'll survive


I'll C4C anyone who reads ALL of this and gives me some crit
#2
ok that was long as ****.....I did read it all though. My favorite part is the last two lines of the first stanza.....but it sort of set the wrong tone. You didnt mention any other celebs or pop culture that much....it left me starting with the wrong thought.....It flowed well on the first read through....I hope there is a good point to the repetition at the end....That is to much for me usually....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479670

c4c????
I haz gotten gud
#3
There's going to be a bridge in between the last two choruses that will space it out more. As for the pop-culture references, I didn't feel the song really related to the media as much as it did for an individual and i used the reference to state how people always aim to be someone who's famous or talented.
#4
I'm overwhelmed by the cliche lines. You use phrases we've heard in every Nickelback and Seether song ever. Try to put things in more of your own voice. Don't worry about sounding metaphoric or profound, just be you.
#5
this is a really strong set of lyrics, IMO. a lot of the lines are short sweet and to the point, and really drives the entire song to a very solid finish.
#7
Quote by BloodReverence
Hey guys, this is more for that of a rap song. If you have any Crit I'd love to hear it.

What the hell is wrong with me
i'm just not the man i want to be
i'm no charlie scheen or charlie scene
i'm just another wannabe

"just be yourself" they always say
but being myself didn't work today
i wanna be better and hell i've tried
haven't you seen these tears i've cried?

I pushed on through hardships
slaved over worthless tips
from people who try to save me
from everything i crave
To this point I'm with you. I like the idea your portraying that everyone tells you to be yourself and then your still not good enough. Your either inferior or cliche. If you intended for this part to be redundant with cliches then you are a bit of a genius. If not I think maybe you should rework it a bit. I like this part the best.
i'm addicted to you
and addicted to life
i'm addicted to truth
but yet i'm weilding this knife
This doesn't really add anything to the piece and is a square of virtual overused phrases.
Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

I wait for tomorrow cause now i can see
the lies you spewed gave hope to me
but tomorrow i lay there as i choke
on the devilish lies you sinfully spoke

pitifully lying on the cold hard ground
i sob at the thought of every sound
that's coming after me in my paranoid brain
it's shit like this that makes me insane

now i slowly try to get back onto my feet
wondering how you had the heart to cheat
and lie to my face about my ****ing life
and tell me everythings gonna be alright

but i push on now and forget about you
think of more productive things to say and do
i put the thought of you to the back of my head now
and never think of when i'll get my mind back, or how

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to say why
I couldn't even care if i tried
But don't worry I'll survive

Even if I get shot down
I'll get back to my feet
Even if I get shot up
I'll heal in time so to speak

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to end this
But I can't end it yet
I'll survive for today

Sometimes I can't do it
I just wish to say why
I couldn't even care if i tried
But don't worry I'll survive


I'll C4C anyone who reads ALL of this and gives me some crit


Honestly, I feel it falls apart after where my first critique ends. It loses the little piece of personality that I really identified with. I, for one, usually have multiple revisions and sometimes toss out entire parts of a piece and keep only the good core. This may be an avenue you wish to explore here.

C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479311