#1
sipping sweet iced tea in place of pain relief
(i let you) fall asleep in the late-Augustine driest heat
while i walk the neighbors' lawns in my bare feet
you look at me and it's like - honestly?
but i only ask you questions
to watch you mouth the answers back to me.
(and to be a thought - to come across those lips
not that i'm jealous of your words, that's just stupid.)

there are things i think you know
but you really don't.

let the sun lay low like
our longing shadows
like two people could ever really grow
it's like time is all we have
but beyond that
i really have just one small thing to ask -
#2
Quote by NGD1313
sipping sweet iced tea in place of pain relief
(i let you) fall asleep in the late-Augustine driest heat
tripped up on 'driest'.
while i walk the neighbors' lawns in my bare feet
you look at me and it's like - honestly?
but i only ask you questions
to watch you mouth the answers back to me.
I wasn't a fan of how you broke these lines, for me it breaks the idea. Personally it holds greater weight as one line, and stands out more, highlighting it's importance.
(and to be a thought - to come across those lips
not that i'm jealous of your words, that's just stupid.)

there are things i think you know
but you really don't.
"things" is one of those words that I look long and hard at when thrown into poetry, because it's such a bland, general word that the usual course of action is to not use it and find an alternative. Perhaps that's a little pedantic but it's another thing (ugh) about language I find interesting. For me I would have liked a little more of a hint about these "things". You could have toyed with the previous two lines, for it would have felt more instinctive to play with the lips/words/things you know idea.

let the sun lay low like
our longing
Dash or something here to emphasise sarcasm of next line?
like two people could ever really grow
it's like time is all we have
but beyond that
i really have just one small thing to ask -
Nice play around. Still think you could have done a little more with this idea, though.


Short, sweet but a little undercooked for me Nick. Hope you're grand.
#3
wow Jamie it's great to see you and thanks so much for that crit. you actually hit a lot of things i was back and forth on when i was writing this. if you have anything you'd like me to take a look at, it'd be the least i could do. if not, i hope to at least to see you around more.
#4
i saw honestly? and heard american football
it goes nicely with that though, the cyclical rhyming etc. but this feels warmer, late afternoonier, etc.

its strangely effective in putting me between houses and in yards
thats nice. so is "longing shadows"
its a good little one. not a banger but it isnt supposed to be.
i am with you here.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
i need to come back to this with more time and patience. stickied for now.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
Quote by NGD1313
sipping sweet iced tea in place of pain relief
(i let you) fall asleep in the late-Augustine driest heat
while i walk the neighbors' lawns in my bare feet
you look at me and it's like - honestly?
but i only ask you questions
to watch you mouth the answers back to me.
(and to be a thought - to come across those lips
not that i'm jealous of your words, that's just stupid.)

there are things i think you know
but you really don't.

let the sun lay low like
our longing shadows
like two people could ever really grow
it's like time is all we have
but beyond that
i really have just one small thing to ask -


few little qualms - I feel that saying 'it's like -' and 'thats just stupid' create this tone that makes the rest of the poem a little uncomfortable. I wouldn't say you need to change it (does anyone need to change anything? whatever) but I guess what it is in your writing is this mix of colloquialisms and really genuine feeling, and usually the colloquialisms add the the genuine aspect, but I think you sound honest enough and are good enough of a writer to do without it.

I think this is a beautiful portrayal of love in idealizations and watching them crumble but still having the feeling attached. There's a spirit that breathes from your words when you talk about these things. We all create all this mental space in our heads surrounding someone, thinking and thinking and thinking, because it's all we can do and all we trifle with half the time. Autumn is near and I hope you enjoy coffee and cigarettes and sweaters and the occasional hat or your girl's sleeves being just a little too long and hiding her fingers so that only the tips poke out.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja