#1
Hi, new song being written. At the moment it's a verse, pre-chorus and chorus. Any thoughts would be very much appreciated. C4C ofc. The name is probably temporary until it's finished.

He was just a no one
Going nowhere fast
They all say they knew him once
But they didn't give him a chance
He fell victim to the highway noise
And the roads took his life away
Now a shadow of the man he was
He just fights to get through the days

How can a man get back from this?
When there's no one left to miss
When it seems life's falling apart;
A thousand words misspelt in art

[CHORUS]
And these words they burn red
With memories of broken laughter
Why won't we just let things go
Instead of dealing with all the mourning after
We're burning up before our eyes
When we start to see through our own lies
And when you do sing you sing alone?
There's no one home, don't speak after the tone.
Now I'm walking the empty solemn streets
Casting down the shadows of my defeat
You look at me as if I'm throwing my life away
Well I'll tell you now, I'm not a fucking hyperbole.

Honey
#2
He was just a no one
Going nowhere fast
They all say they knew him once
But they didn't give him a chance
He fell victim to the highway noise
And the roads took his life away
Now a shadow of the man he was
He just fights to get through the days


First stanza sets the tone. It's like a refection from the narrator descriting this individual creating problems and everyone knew it was going to happen.
Kind of like I told you so................


How can a man get back from this?
When there's no one left to miss
When it seems life's falling apart;
A thousand words misspelt in art

nice description in this stanza.

perfect fit in the middle of the piece.

And these words they burn red
With memories of broken laughter
Why won't we just let things go
Instead of dealing with all the mourning after
We're burning up before our eyes
When we start to see through our own lies
And when you do sing you sing alone?
There's no one home, don't speak after the tone.


Message has been sent through a voice message through a cell phone nor telephone. I sense from the last line dont speak after the tone. the stanza talks about past experiences of a situation bettween the narrator and this particular individual. Something negative happened
that the narrator nor the individual can't come to a truce.

Overall, you use good words and metaphors. I also like this piece because its direct from beginning to end.



Here are some suggestions I wrote down that you might find useful.

'And these words they burn red'
get rid of the word red. doesn't fit the description. pretty vague describition but get rid of red. words should burn through the soul.

'He was just a no one'
He was a nobody

'A thousand words misspelt in art'
I think this can go more in depth. I don't gain nothing from this line. Expand it. Also don't feel this is connected with the rest of the peice.

'Now a shadow of the man he was'
don't like shadow. feels like a ghost figure because this individual isn't dead. maybe use outcast or leper.

'He fell victim to the highway noise
And the roads took his life away'
Can't wrap my mind around highway noise. never heard that term or metaphor. traffic accident. This part doesn't tie in with the rest of the piece.
Maybe im missing something.


If you have the time, check out my recent piece....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479974
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 15, 2011,