#1
children, you must reillusion yourselves
for burdens are heavy
& hearts are weary
we speak with a language of clarity
to mask over the muddles of our minds
puddles filled with envy and
blood of wounds from past days...
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




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#2
Quote by vintage x metal
children, you must reillusion yourselves
for burdens are heavy
& hearts are weary
we speak with a language of clarity
to mask over the muddles of our minds
puddles filled with envy and
blood of wounds from past days...


It seems less a piece and more a collection of decent sounding lines. It seems your playing the part of a leader attempting to inspire his/her people.

Maybe expand your thoughts into a few more stanzas? Sorry there just isn't a whole lot to go off of and I'm no lyrical genius.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479311
#3
Quote by vintage x metal
children, you must reillusion yourselves
Intriguingly patronising start. Is 'reillusion' a word, though? Or artistic licence?
for burdens are heavy
& hearts are weary
Kinda of a little olde-folke phrasing. "for burdens are heavy" sounds like bible talk and a little, well, pretentious for this day and age.
we speak with a language of clarity
to mask over the muddles of our minds
Same as above for the first line here, and "muddles of our minds", whilst a fun alliterative play, is a little blandly obvious.

I realise youre tone is supposed to be that of someone dictating to these "children", but for some reason this leader-type dialogue hasn't really moved on from, say, the speech Morpheus gives in the Matrix Reloaded. It relies far too much on "we" and "us" and on simple rhetorics like your alliteration, rule of three etc. I'd rather reinvent the leader speech than put energy into recycling the usual wordiness.


puddles filled with envy and
blood of wounds from past days...
Same thing here. Your syntax reeks of Shakessperean dialogue, yet we're four hundred years removed.


You're more real, exciting and intense when you're writing on Desperado's and Corona's than when you're writing on the weight of history.

And then re-reading it, it looks like you're just toying with me anyway and you already know this.
#4
i always have trouble sermonizing. it's a lot of pressure to actually reach people when you're talking at them. it's something i'm generally not into, personally. i haaaated the muddles/puddles rhyme. those syllables are just gross and the rhyme is too obvious. i wasn't a fan of this one, but i am a fan of seeing you post here again. it's been awhile, or maybe i just haven't been around much, but whatever, you know what i mean.