#1
C4C

________
If you're one of the people
spouting and crying about
how "everything happens for
a reason". I might have to
beat seven
different
shades
of shit out of you.

Nothing good has come
from the past years. For
what reason? The rich
to stay as rich? The wench
to bed more men?

This way I am a terribly
unlucky man. Yet,
at least I
Know:

No one is out
to get me.
#2
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
C4C

________
If you're one of the people
spouting and crying about I think you could come up with a better word than "spouting"

how "everything happens for
a reason". I might have to
beat seven
different
shades
of shit out of you.
LOL. I am not as confrontatinal as you are but i like these lines. I would leave it as is.

Nothing good has come
from the past years. For
what reason? The rich
to stay as rich? The wench
to bed more men?
This is my least favorite stanza. If this is ever going to be a song and you delivered these questions well it could work though.

This way I am a terribly
unlucky man. Yet,
at least I
Know:

No one is out
to get me.


I like the message i think you are sending here. (Even though my life is shitty at least i dont think it is the work of somone else) that is just what i get from it.

The delivery could be a bit more subtle....it sounds like you are shouting at me...But that might be what you were going for....This is the best crit I can give on this particular piece as it is not the style I write in.

I would like to thank you for tearing my song apart and telling me the lines i thought were the best still needed to be looked at for possible revision. (many people sugar coat their critiques) I will look for more of your work in the future. I might not crit on it all that much as it is just not my cup of tea so I am not able to critisize it as well.
I haz gotten gud
#3
Yeah, that's basically the simplest way to explain it. I did intend it to be an aggressive piece by the way.

Don't worry about it, I don't like sugar coating things Thank you for the crit
#4
Ok, I'm not going to do a stanza-for-stanza crit here, as I don't think that is what this piece needs. I'll just try to address a couple of the things that I personally think that you *could* work upon, and then I'll leave the rest to you.

I really like the aggressive tone, but I think you're compromising it in a couple of ways - which is a shame, really. First of all, you've got a lot of filler starting from the second stanza. 'The rich to stay as rich' isn't really all that needed, same with 'bed more men', and 'terribly unlucky man' just seems like overkill.

In other places, you could, however, definitely use some clarification. 'Nothing good has come from the past years' makes it sound like nothing good has happened, ever. Which is fine, if that is what you want to say. It just seems a bit ambiguous, which is also cool if that's what you wanted.

Further, some of your words seem out of place. If you're aggressive, you don't generally stop to use words such as 'wench' or phrases like 'to bed more men'. 'Spouting' is another word that gave me pause - not because it's weird to use it aggressively, but because it sounds weird to 'spouting about how (whatever)'.

I like the overall tone and message, but in my personal opinion, it could use a bit of work. I'll be looking forward to seeing what you do with it, though. =)
#5
Yeah you're right about that, I'll take those words out. I just disagree about the "more men" one, cause "The wench to bed men" doesn't seem like it gets my point out.

I've also noticed that those words seem really out of place, but the only other phrase with animosity included I could've thought of was "to **** more men", so I didn't really want to put that. Seems a little distasteful (yes i know that I earlier mentioned beating someone until they've excreted 7 different tones of feces).

Thank you for the crit, it was really appreciated. Would you like me to crit any of your pieces?
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Sep 19, 2011,
#6
That would be great - the topmost one in my sig is the newest, it could use some help.

As for the 'wench to bed more men', you could go with 'screw' or something - I still think that 'bed more men' just sounds weak... maybe 'screw some more' or something. Idk.

Either way, good luck with it. Maybe you could PM it to me when you're done?