#1
"The colors streak across the ominous skies
The gray city wakes
A prologue of things to come
The sun rakes the cityscape
Setting it all ablaze
A departure from freedom
Rarities amongst ourselves
Light the way through the white
A dream so real
Holographic memories come alive
Feed your fear
It'll never satisfy
Smoke rises from the buildings
Orange, green, red, blue, yellow
Waking from your own movie
A sense of reality
Not fully established
Elusive concepts of the mind
Materialized dreams
All make us wonder
What is life
Are we just ants to the sky above
Walls and boundaries set in stone
The ghost of a past life
Haunting me at night
Now, on to the end"


I can't really think of a name, suggestions would be appreciated
Guitars:
-Gibson Les Paul Custom Shop Silverburst (Invader/'59)
-Ovation ApplauseAE44II Elite Black Acoustic


Amps/Cabs
-Peavey 6505+ Head
Orange PPC2x12 Cab Black
-Behringer Ultracoustic ACX450 1x8 Acoustic Combo


Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#3
Haha wow, thanks
Guitars:
-Gibson Les Paul Custom Shop Silverburst (Invader/'59)
-Ovation ApplauseAE44II Elite Black Acoustic


Amps/Cabs
-Peavey 6505+ Head
Orange PPC2x12 Cab Black
-Behringer Ultracoustic ACX450 1x8 Acoustic Combo


Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#4
Quote by MusicMan24
"The colors streak across the ominous skies
The gray city wakes
A prologue of things to come
The sun rakes the cityscape
Setting it all ablaze I dont like the use of the word "all" maybe this line could benefit with a more descriptive noun or even an omit


A departure from freedom
Rarities amongst ourselves
Light the way through the white It might be just me but I do not like the rhyming to end and begin the line.


A dream so real
Holographic memories come alive
Feed your fear
It'll never satisfy
^^^ I dont get these two lines. They feel out of place to me

Smoke rises from the buildings
Orange, green, red, blue, yellow (doesnt provoke imagry like I am sure you intended it too....

Waking from your own movie
A sense of reality
Not fully established
Elusive concepts of the mind
Materialized dreams
All make us wonder
What is life
Are we just ants to the sky above
Walls and boundaries set in stone
The ghost of a past life
Haunting me at night
Now, on to the end" This line....I have read it over and over and i cant tell if i love it or hate it....I personally would use an abrupt "forever" to end this peom....but i tend to use cleches like that a lot...I like this alternative way of saying it though....i just dont know of it as a way to end a poem.... :shrugs:




First of I must thank you for the crit on my work. I agree with the points you made. I do need to tweek it but I am very pleased with it so far.

This poem I liked. A few of the lines may have been a bit less than they could have been("what is life" a revision of this might make the question stand out even more)
but over all i liked it. my favorite line would have to be "Are we just ants to the sky above" I wish i would have thought of that.

That is as good of i crit as i can give. I chose to crit this one because it is not a song(well it is not in the format of a song) I can not criticize song lyrics as well as poetry.
I haz gotten gud