#1
Just a dream. Not very well developed, but I hadn't written anything in a while.

The clouds contort;
shaping into her eyes and
beckoning me over the ledge,
black trees stretching to beyond.
Gnarled branches in violent shapes;
singing songs of broken glass
to the beat of forming mountains.

At the end of the row,
her blonde locks dance in a breeze;
"come to me, it's safe, my love."

And so I leap,
into the carelessness of new love
and hopeful lust.
The twisted trees below me part,
opening a chasm to god.
And her cackle resonates,
bouncing down to god
as his lips part and he swallows me.
I grind between his teeth,
and he begs for her approval;
for even god cannot withstand her beauty.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Sep 15, 2011,
#2
Man, this is easily one of the best pieces of read on here, I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Great work
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Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#3
Quote by ZanasCross


The clouds contort;
shaping into her eyes and
beckoning me over the ledge,
black trees stretching to beyond.
Gnarled branches in violent shapes;
singing songs of broken glass
to the beat of forming mountains.

At the end of the row,
her blonde locks dance in a breeze;
"come to me, it's safe, my love."

And so I leap,
into the carelessness of new love
and hopeful lust.
The twisted trees below me part,
opening a chasm to god.
And her cackle resonates,
bouncing down to god
as his lips part and he swallows me.
I grind between his teeth,
and he begs for her approval;
for even god cannot withstand her beauty.



black trees, gnarled branches, violent shapes, forming mountains, broken glass, blonde locks, twisted trees.

You know why I've strung together those words for you.


IMO you introduce the God/his/he way too late in the day to make much narrative sense. I always see a poem as a tree; you need to have a strong, central theme that then supports the rest. There is no religious hint until five lines from the end, it's a bit icky.

Compared to that, the first half has far too much foliage. I can't see a hint of brown, let alone the bark itself. You've covered up your meaning in too many leaves. You see my point?

Which leaves my impression of this as me looking up at a fat ball of leaves wafting in my face, before an oddly shaped branch eminates from the top of it.

You tried far too hard to impress here when, personally, I enjoy your pieces when you lose the self-conscious aspect.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Sep 16, 2011,
#4
Hey Jamie,

I agree with you, hence why I labeled it as under-developed. The only thing I disagree with is the idea of trying too hard, since I wrote this in about a minute... and haven't really edited it at all.

But the rest of your assessment is spot on. Good to see you around.

Cheers.
#7
>.<

no, that the inference, implicit in that statement above that I quoted, is that you are 'so good', that you can 'write this' in 'about a minute'. like you just have genius on tap or something. yeah. ok.

all this talk about 'god', and the last line, such quatsch, god (especially in the lower case) would chew up and spit out 'any' of his creations without a second thought. he's a ****ing berserker nazi barbarian on uppers

edit: that comment was just so pompous. If you had said 5 minutes, that's ok, or even a few minutes, but 1 minute is your bravado like you're king shit of **** mountain on ug s&l. and it didn't fail me, i left for awhile, come back, and this is what I see. thump your chest like a monkey.
Last edited by parkt921k at Sep 18, 2011,
#8
That's not what I meant. All I was saying is, I didn't sit around and try to think of extra adjectives... I wrote whatever came to my fingertips and that was it. It was as fast as I could type. I'm not saying it's good... I even noted I think it isn't developed.

I'm not implying I'm so good. Hell, I've never thought I'm even one of the best here... because I don't care that much about writing. I write because it's fun, not because I'm great at it. All I was saying is that, some pieces I sit down and try... and I would understand Jamie's comment then, of over doing the "impressive" picture stuff; but this piece, I can't agree with that since I didn't stop to think about what I was writing, I just wrote it.
#10
To be fair, I discarded your size-1 font introduction from my quote of your post (as I do with anyone) and from my mind during the critique, because it's always used as a defense to the critique I give (as happens with everyone) thus was the case here. Always better to not include some self-deprecatig pre-amble, I find. Any critiquer worth their salt will just ignore it, so to me there is no point in being so defensive before you've even allowed me to read your piece. Lessons my opinion of you (any writer o this forum) instantly.
#11
agree with Jamie. not about you in particular because i dont think you do it often. but the biggest mistakes i see kids make in public performance is they dont own what they write. the thing that seperates the poet from the squeeky voiced open mic ghost nerd that you use for a bathroom break is that one explains what he's doing and the other just does it.

i want to get back to this poem though because i like it, plus i owe you a million