#1
AN: C4C, enjoy!!!

Verse1
Who’s going to believe that I
In all my years
Have never felt anything
Without it putting me in a corner
I can’t believe that you
In your few days
Have felt everything
And always been looking up

Pre Chorus
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground

Chorus
You’re like the last thing I ever wanna see
Believe me
I’m the last person you ever wanna deceive
Can you see me?
I’m crashing through all these memories
And reliving everything I wanted to leave
Behind me forever
These nightmares are breaking through my skin
The sharks are taking me in

Verse2
Who’s going to believe that I
Told the truth
When I’ve been lying for so long
Even I get it confused
I can’t believe that you
Have never lied
To get all those things you wanted
Doesn’t it kill you inside?

Pre Chorus 2
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground
This indecision makes my heart pound

Chorus

Bridge
Can I ever restate
All the things that I hate
Without losing myself
In darkness and distaste
Can you ever make up
For all the things that you said
When I thought it was safe
Because we were in bed
And I laid awake with you
Without ever having to admit to myself
That it would end
And we would never be the same again
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#2
Quote by PCADriven
AN: C4C, enjoy!!!

I will Give it a go...

Verse1
Who’s going to believe that I
In all my years
Have never felt anything
Without it putting me in a corner
I can’t believe that you
In your few days
Have felt everything
And always been looking up
Words such as "putting" and "few" could be changed for some added boost....Overall I like this stanza....It read very simple and sort of skin and bones to me...but that is good in some songs..The last line wows me the least...

Pre Chorus
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground
Nothing that wows me...but nothing that is too cleche or bland

Chorus
You’re like the last thing I ever wanna see
Believe me
I’m the last person you ever wanna deceive
Can you see me?
I’m crashing through all these memories
And reliving everything I wanted to leave
Behind me forever
These nightmares are breaking through my skin
The sharks are taking me in
Ok i was reading this song the other day...and the chorus is were i had the most qualms....and it is still were i have the most qualms...I would omit the word "like"in the first line because it is useless fluff..I am not a fan of the AAAA rhyme scheme to start of the chorus...it would be better if they were more subtle rhymes but they are very precise rhymes with simple words...o wow just realized it was AAAAAA.....second to last line reads VERY cleche.I love the last line.....

Verse2
Who’s going to believe that I
Told the truth
When I’ve been lying for so long
Even I get it confused
I can’t believe that you
Have never lied
To get all those things you wanted
Doesn’t it kill you inside?
agian nothing wows me but nothing reads to cleche...it flows very well....i can think of several melodies for it too....nice flow for something simple...

Pre Chorus 2
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground
This indecision makes my heart pound
The last line could be reworked....feels out of place...

Chorus

Bridge
Can I ever restate
All the things that I hate
Without losing myself
In darkness and distaste
Can you ever make up
For all the things that you said
When I thought it was safe
Because we were in bed
And I laid awake with you
Without ever having to admit to myself
That it would end
And we would never be the same again

I like this stanza the best.....The only thing i can say is that the last three lines are not as good as the rest of the bridge...


Ok this is all just my opinion mind you....I am not a professional crit but i am an avid reader of poetry and lyrics....I feel your chorus needs more strength....it reads as very cleche and boring...and repeated a few times it does not help the song....Overall i must say it is good not great.....I would give it a ten out of six....

Not trying to be negative just giving an honest crit...I know that the music behind the song can make boring lyrics on paper come alive though....

C4c????..It would be nice of you....even though i sort of tore your song a new one...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1480190
I haz gotten gud
#3
Quote by PCADriven
AN: C4C, enjoy!!!

Verse1
Who’s going to believe that I
In all my years
Have never felt anything
Without it putting me in a corner
I can’t believe that you
In your few days
Have felt everything
And always been looking up

Pre Chorus
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground

Chorus
You’re like the last thing I ever wanna see
Believe me
I’m the last person you ever wanna deceive
Can you see me?
I’m crashing through all these memories
And reliving everything I wanted to leave
Behind me forever
These nightmares are breaking through my skin
The sharks are taking me in

Verse2
Who’s going to believe that I
Told the truth
When I’ve been lying for so long
Even I get it confused
I can’t believe that you
Have never lied
To get all those things you wanted
Doesn’t it kill you inside?

Pre Chorus 2
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground
This indecision makes my heart pound

Chorus

Bridge
Can I ever restate
All the things that I hate
Without losing myself
In darkness and distaste
Can you ever make up
For all the things that you said
When I thought it was safe
Because we were in bed
And I laid awake with you
Without ever having to admit to myself
That it would end
And we would never be the same again



No offense man but this is God awful. Did you write this in elementary school? Isn't it nap time? God I'm so sick and tired of people like you that come on here and post your terrible songs that you've written, it's offensive to a true artist like me to see punks like you get on here and basically write, and again no offense man, what is comparable to trash. People are trying to make careers for themselves here while you're throwing out this regurgitated garbage about "losing" and "loss". I've been trying to make it big for fourteen years and I see kids like you coming on here pouring your feelings out and frankly, and again no offense intended here man, I'm sick and tired of you juvenile ignorant pricks posting your nonsensical garbage. Screw you man.
~~~Founder of the Hendrix Club~~~
PM me to join
Member #2 of the Cream club
#4
^^^^whoa!!!!!! calm down bro!!!! You have to start somewhere....and the only way to get better is to be told you need to get better....If you are gong to say it is bad then at least let him know why it is bad dont try to belittle the writer....You were once this bad too...everyone one was once...

*reported* EDIT!!
I haz gotten gud
Last edited by ApatheticMe at Sep 16, 2011,
#5
Quote by ApatheticMe
^^^^whoa!!!!!! calm down bro!!!! You have to start somewhere....and the only way to get better is to be told you need to get better....If you are gong to say it is bad then at least let him know why it is bad dont try to belittle the writer....You were once this bad too...everyone one was once...



Bro I didn't call him bad? I said his song was God awful. You really need to calm down with your criticism of me, I hate people like you. Ive worked at a car wash for 14 damn years and I don't have to take stuff like this from pricks like you. You see I'm familiar with the music industry, I've been backstage at an NSYNC concert four times. I know how these things work bro and frankly I'm tired of your criticism.
~~~Founder of the Hendrix Club~~~
PM me to join
Member #2 of the Cream club
#6
*deep breathes*....ok I will not argue with you. That is not why I am on this site.

If you think something is bad and you are not going to give it a decent critique then please keep your opinions to yourself...
I haz gotten gud
#7
Quote by ApatheticMe
*deep breathes*....ok I will not argue with you. That is not why I am on this site.

If you think something is bad and you are not going to give it a decent critique then please keep your opinions to yourself...



You know I"m sick and DAMN tired of this crap that gets called "songwriting". The music industry sucks so bad right now. I can't believe you pre-teen idiots go around liking Justin Bieber and Willow Smith. I can't believe you morons. It's people like you that will be the downfall of society. Screw you man.
~~~Founder of the Hendrix Club~~~
PM me to join
Member #2 of the Cream club
#8
Verse1
Who’s going to believe that I
In all my years
Have never felt anything
Without it putting me in a corner
I can’t believe that you
In your few days
Have felt everything
And always been looking up
It feels like you aren't really saying anything here that couldn't be summed up in two lines. Work on condensing this section to free it up for imagery.
Pre Chorus
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground

Chorus
You’re like the last thing I ever wanna see
Believe me
I’m the last person you ever wanna deceive
Can you see me?
I’m crashing through all these memories
And reliving everything I wanted to leave
Behind me forever
These nightmares are breaking through my skin
The sharks are taking me in
Again, sharks are probably not the best metaphor for the situation imo unless your trying to say that the nightmares are encircling and closing in on you. In that case, I'd rewrite the chorus to follow this slant more as it has more potential to me. Your just all over the place.
Verse2
Who’s going to believe that I
Told the truth
When I’ve been lying for so long
Even I get it confused
I can’t believe that you
Have never lied
To get all those things you wanted
Doesn’t it kill you inside?

Pre Chorus 2
I can’t fight this feeling that
I’m losing ground
This indecision makes my heart pound

Chorus

Bridge
Can I ever restate
All the things that I hate
Without losing myself
In darkness and distaste
Can you ever make up
For all the things that you said
When I thought it was safe
Because we were in bed
And I laid awake with you
Without ever having to admit to myself
That it would end
And we would never be the same again
I'll agree with apathetic that this is the strongest part of your piece. I'd almost encourage you to drop the rest and start over with something like this as the base of the song.


OP: Well bud, its not a great song in my opinion but keep working at it. We indeed do have to start somewhere. Try to bring in more imagery and less one line statements and really attempt to understand fully what you are conveying to the audience. This will make it more poetry and less dictation.

If you get good at writing in the future, please remember how it is when you first started out. Try not to take your failures out on the world and instead keep a humble attitude and help others.

Keep working friend. You'll get better, and quickly!

C4C my young friend?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479311
Last edited by merriman44 at Sep 16, 2011,
#9
Quote by BRM_PTX
You know I"m sick and DAMN tired of this crap that gets called "songwriting". The music industry sucks so bad right now. I can't believe you pre-teen idiots go around liking Justin Bieber and Willow Smith. I can't believe you morons. It's people like you that will be the downfall of society. Screw you man.


I listen to good music. If you would care to click on my profile you would see that.
I am also 17.
I critiqued your song if you care to look

^^^^To the actuall writer of this thread/song. You could benefit from the lessons on this thread and the lessons section of Ug. I would check them out.
I haz gotten gud