#1
Ok I finished up these lyrics today. I plan on using this as an opener to my album. I am trying to get a very eerie feeling out of this song. It is based a bit on a day I had where i felt out of place and in my head more than usual.

Onset of Despair

Have you ever awoken without waking
Felt like your slumber was taken
Still bathed in the darkness of night
Eyes are open without clear sight

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Walking the streets in a daze
Seeing the day in shades of gray
Looking upon the weary masses
Time is slowing as it elapses

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Nature's signs read ominously
Her clouds looming distantly
Winds of change steadily blow
The birds sing a song of sorrow

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

I can feel it in the air
The onset of despair


c4c....i will give my 2 cents if you give yours.
I haz gotten gud
#2
Quote by ApatheticMe
Ok I finished up these lyrics today. I plan on using this as an opener to my album. I am trying to get a very eerie feeling out of this song. It is based a bit on a day I had where i felt out of place and in my head more than usual.

Onset of Despair

Have you ever awoken without waking
Felt like your slumber was taken
Still bathed in the darkness of night
Eyes are open without clear sight
These lines are great

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction
^A bit cliche, but it works

Walking the streets in a daze
Seeing the day in shades of gray
Looking upon the weary masses
Time is slowing as it elapses
I like the rhyme here

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction
I get the feeling that this and the above one is the chorus

Nature's signs read ominously
Her clouds looming distantly
Winds of change steadily blow
I don't really like this line, maybe "Winds of change call to me"? I dunno, it's the first thing off the top of my head
The birds sing a song of sorrow
^This is kind of cliche, but I love it

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

I can feel it in the air
The onset of despair


c4c....i will give my 2 cents if you give yours.


I really like this. Some pretty good imagery, I like the eerie-ness of this piece, a few cliches, but they work. Overall, it's pretty awesome, keep up the good work

C4C?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1480159

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1480160
Guitars:
-Gibson Les Paul Custom Shop Silverburst (Invader/'59)
-Ovation ApplauseAE44II Elite Black Acoustic


Amps/Cabs
-Peavey 6505+ Head
Orange PPC2x12 Cab Black
-Behringer Ultracoustic ACX450 1x8 Acoustic Combo


Wayyyyy too many effects pedals...
#3
Quote by ApatheticMe


Onset of Despair

Have you ever awoken without waking
Felt like your slumber was taken
Still bathed in the darkness of night I like this line here a lot, I haven't seen someone use "bathed in the darkness" as a metaphor. I would suggest taking out "of night" though.
Eyes are opened without clear sight

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Walking the streets in a daze
Seeing the day in shades of gray
Looking upon the weary masses
Time is slowing as it elapses You kind of went off the regular rhyme scheme. But it's all good. Image of "walking the streets in a daze" is kind of overdone. In fact I think I have a piece here somewhere with that line haha.

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Nature's signs read ominously
Her clouds looming distantly
Winds of change steadily blow
The birds sing a song of sorrow Favorite stanza is this one, a little cliche but I think it gives that "eerie" feeling you're going for really well. I think "birds" should maybe be changed to "crows"? Up to you there. Also find a different word from "sorrow", it's really overused.

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

I can feel it in the air
The onset of despair The ending here doesn't do the piece much justice to be honest.


I like this piece, it gets really cliche at some points but I enjoy reading stuff with this type of theme. I like the chorus, though I think the last two lines in it could be improved upon. I haven't got much ideas though so I'll leave that to you

Hope I helped.

Also if you've got any time, the bottom two pieces in my sig could use some fresh eyes. Either one's good.

Cheers.
#4
Thanks for the honest critiques. I have critiqued a work by each of you to the best of my abilities.

I do agree with many of the points ali.guitar made. particularly on the ending lines. I highly doubt i will keep those the way they are.

Thanks again.
I haz gotten gud
#5
Quote by ApatheticMe


Onset of Despair

Have you ever awoken without waking
Felt like your slumber was taken
Still bathed in the darkness of night
Eyes are open without clear sight
This is really nice here. Interesting way of describing a phenomenon.

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Walking the streets in a daze
Seeing the day in shades of gray
Looking upon the weary masses
Time is slowing as it elapses

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Nature's signs read ominously
Her clouds looming distantly
Winds of change steadily blow
The birds sing a song of sorrow
Again, I like how your moving the piece from centered around you to having a larger theme without explicitly saying it. It moves into with nice imagery.

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

I can feel it in the air
The onset of despair
Only thing I might suggest changing here is having it be: I can feel it in the air, The onset, Onset of despair. Since you are going for dramatics in this part it seems this would up the ante.


c4c....i will give my 2 cents if you give yours.


If this is for lyrics you may want to alter your meter a little to get some distinction between parts. I have this issue in almost all my writings and it has taken a while to get over.

I really like where you are going with it and enjoyed the piece. Good luck!
#6
I noticed my meter was sort of similar....I kind of like that though....i have a vocal melody that makes a clear distinction between the chorus and the verses....so it is not a problem....but it does read with a very similar meter.....thank you merriman
I haz gotten gud
#7
No problem. And if you have a good meter in the actual song roll with it. It was merely an observation.

I write lyrics and am the vocalist for a modern metal band and I have to drastically cut my lyrics in some places and extend them in others to make up for some of the elements of our music. I just found that when I write in similar meter it makes it more difficult to create a melody/phrasing.

Definitely cheers to that man. I liked the piece and when it's done I wouldn't mind listening to it.
#8
Ok I will let you know once i put this as a song up on my profile. (be prepared for non metal though....I dont write acoustic metal that often..)
I haz gotten gud
#9
Quote by ApatheticMe
Ok I will let you know once i put this as a song up on my profile. (be prepared for non metal though....I dont write acoustic metal that often..)


Brudda, I listen to every thing from Dean Martin and George Jones to Black Dahlia. As long as it's decent I'll give about anything a go. Keeps my poor arse honest.
#10
First off, thank you for the critique on my piece, it is much appreciated and I will be taking your words into careful consideration when I edit it.

now, as for your song. I felt like this was really well done in every aspect. It had a very easy flow to it that was almost contrasting the, as you said, "eerie" mood of the piece, which I liked. The first stanza is definitely my favorite, it really represents the best of what this piece is and can be.

The chorus feels just a tad cliche, but it kinda does work because I feel like in a song like this that has some heady imagery it can really bring it back down to earth with the chorus, which is why I like its frequent use.

The last two lines were a great way to end it and I can see them really leading quite well into whatever song is next on the record your making.

Overall, great job man! Looking forward to new pieces by you.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#11
I'm not a fan of the title. It sounds too much like just about everything made over the past 5 years
Not exactly a frequent poster.
#12
hmph....thought i had another crit....i sticks my tongue out at you! >__<
..................................................................................................U
I haz gotten gud
#13
First off, thanks for the advice on my piece it will really help when I edit it/add to it.

I really like your song. It creates the eerie atmosphere very well. I really like the lines "Bathed in the darkness of night, Eyes are open without clear sight." I feel like these lines at the start do a great job in giving to an eerie atmosphere so well done on that one

The only thing that I would suggest changing, and I know this has been said before, is definitely the ending. Personally I would make it into an outro verse, something just off the top of my head could be..
I can feel it in the air,
Moving around up there,
This is the onset,
the onset of despair

Thats just off the top of my head but i feel as though something like that would be a much more dramatic kind of ending in comparison to the two lines. But apart from that great job
#14
Okay, before I start critting you, I must warn you: I'm harsh.

This isn't because I dislike your work - more often, the more time I spend ripping it to shreds, the more I'm invested in seeing how good it can become.

That being said...:

Quote by ApatheticMe
Onset of Despair

Have you ever awoken without waking
Felt like your slumber was taken
The rhyming here feels a little forced. 'Awoken' rather than 'woken up' probably doesn't help either - basically, if the reader/audience gets the feeling that you're willing to compromise your text to fit in your meter or rhyming scheme, it destroys a lot of the flow that was the entire point of your rhymes/meter. When reading this, I do get that feeling, which is a shame.
Still bathed in the darkness of night
Eyes are open without clear sight
I'd probably see if I could fit a 'My' in before 'eyes' here. It might seem a little less 'poetic' at first glance, but it really lets the text flow better.

Realize an event is happening
A small detail: 'happening' seems kind of weak compared to the rest of the line - a 5 cent word in a 10 dollar sentence. Dunno if that makes sense to you.
These signs are a premonition
Nitpick: 'These signs are a premonition'? Syntax errors like these, unless intentional, should probably be rooted out when possible. Possible fixes could be something like: 'These signs are all premonitions' or 'These signs form premonitions' or something.
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
To me, it seems weird that your awareness is the thing doing the foreshadowing. Idk, maybe it's intentional or maybe it just works for you.
This broken world's deconstruction
Great line.

Walking the streets in a daze
Seeing the day in shades of gray
Looking upon the weary masses
Time is slowing as it elapses
Great stanza - each line is holding its own. The only (possible) improvement I can think of is that maybe it should be 'slowing down as it elapses' - to me, it seems to flow better. Your call (obviously).

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

Nature's signs read ominously
Her clouds looming distantly
Winds of change steadily blow
The birds sing a song of sorrow
At this point, I really feel that you're repeating what you've already said. Something big is in the air, it's going to change everything, it's not going to be good but you can't put your finger on it. That's all well and good, but we heard all that in the second stanza. Repeating it really doesn't do it for me - maybe it works for you, idk.

Realize an event is happening
These signs are a premonition
My slurred awareness is foreshadowing
This broken world's deconstruction

I can feel it in the air
The onset of despair
Unlike some of the other posters here, I really like this outro thing. It's pretty much made for repeating, really pushing that eerie-ness that this piece wants.


Overall notes:

The entire song is very 'poetic', in that it focuses a lot on pretty images. The fact that it never really confronts you with a 'harsh' image is both positive and negative.

It's positive because it adds to the eerie feeling and it fits in well with the idea that you can't really put a finger on what exactly is going to happen.

At the same time, it's negative because it means that I never really get to feel what you feel. I'm being told that you have a feeling, but I never feel it myself.

I really think that this is what your 'Nature's signs'-stanza tries to do, and should be doing. I also really think that you are capable of confronting your audience much, much more without compromising the positive aspects of never really giving away exactly what is happening.

-------

I hope that any of this is useful to you (at all). I like the song overall, and I'd really like a PM with whichever revisions you might end up making - if any.