#1
this just started with a small idea and i just expanded on it until i had this, im new to writing lyrics, so here it is:

looking all around
falling down
all i see is hate
could i escape to a better place
or is it just too much to face

oh lord above
breaking our trust
faith in you abandoned
hearts are weakened

your benevolence
the lies revealed
no more your brilliance
forsakes this world
never to be healed

before your throne
i will not kneel
the pain i feel
must be real

there is no escape
from this eternal violence
so i suffer in silence

lord above
you broke our trust
the faith i had
in you abandoned
my heart is weakened

the pain i feel
i can only hope that its not real
#2
Its a pretty good start for being new to writing my friend! One thing you may want to do now is look at it again and revise lines to clarify your thoughts. You have quite a few lines that are just statement after statement.

The piece lacks imagery. A quick example could be to change these lines:
you broke our trust
the faith I had

To something like:

You broke our trust
Like rusting, shattered chains
We are separated

Now with that being said, I am in no way great at writing so take it for what its worth. In any case I hope you continue writing and goodluck!!

Please read mine and let me know what you think,
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1479311
Last edited by merriman44 at Sep 16, 2011,