#1
C4C as always. Like I said it's still in progress, not entirely finished yet. So I'd appreciate any thoughts about it.
_____
I look at my guitar and
notice the dust gathering on,
like snow on a discarded car
in the middle of winter
(elsewhere). I
yearn to pick it up, but I'm so
certain
that the noise I'll make will
be utterly prosaic and beige.

I get up and walk outside the
gate that confines me to the
demure
shoe-box which I'm too
reclusive to leave.
I'm outside and glaring onto my
hapless ****ing
bourgeois "family" and the only
thought I
could process is "if there is a
ruling deity,
it must be a special needs 10
year old" because
no one else would try to force
puzzle pieces
that don't fit together. Still
I can't help but
feel a level of altruism in me
for sticking
around for so long.

Open the fridge.
Grab a bottle.
Back to the box.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Sep 18, 2011,
#2
C4C as always. Like I said it's still in progress, not entirely finished yet. So I'd appreciate any thoughts about it.
_____
I look at my guitar and
notice the dust gathering on,
like snow on a discarded car
in the middle of winter
(elsewhere). I
yearn to pick it up, but I'm so
certain
that the noise I'll make will
be utterly prosaic and beige.
this verse speaks to me in particular because i have these thoughts. only when i think them it doesnt sound quite as beautiful

I get up and walk outside the
gate that confines me to the
demure
shoe-box which I'm too
reclusive to leave.
I'm outside and glaring onto my
hapless ****ing
bourgeois "family" and the only
thought I
could process is "if there is a
ruling deity,
it must be a special needs 10
year old" because
no one else would try to force
puzzle pieces
that don't fit together. Still
I can't help but
feel a level of altruism in me
for sticking
around for so long.
i feel like you start to ramble a little here but with a little effort i think this could work. maybe try dividing this into two different verses anger and the result for example

Open the fridge.
Grab a bottle.
Back to the box.
not much to say about this part only that it seems like a cop out. like you are giving up... i cant say its what i would have done but it is what it is

pretty good. c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482965