#1
Hey guys - it's been a couple of years since I last posted on these forums, but I've been working on my songwriting skills in the meantime, and now I guess I just figured it was time for me to get some feedback again, see where I stand.

This is a song I wrote about all the things I'd wish I could have beaten into the skull of my younger self.

Verse 1:

You face your fate and you're playing its chess game
You might not win the match if you're the challenger
Unless you made a deal down below, I guess, well… then you're alright.
But if you die while you try, you're just an amateur


Chorus:

I can't build you up, you're caving in
No one out there wants to see you win
This message in a bottle
burns like a bitch
but it scratches the itch
When the water's gone
and its journey has yet to begin


Verse 2:

It won't work until you get your head right
It won't bite until you know what you throw
And all the stories they told by your bedside is what you want to hear
They won't change the things you can't help but know

Chorus

Contrast:

Why can't I tell you what I know about the things you fear
Why can't I just let go and watch you **** it up
Why can't I just pick up the pieces that you left me with
And try to put together messages for someone else
Messages for someone else

Solo

Chorus

Contrast

Outro

Outro

Crit4crit, obviously. =)
Blue = Revisions
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Sep 20, 2011,
#2
I will do my best to give a quality critique....

Quote by AlienFinger79

Verse 1:

You face fate and you're playing its chess game
You might not win the match if you're the challenger
Unless you made a deal down below, I guess, well… then you're alright.
But if you die while you try, you're just an amateur
The first line is genuis....Second line is just as good.....I dont get the second part of the third line after "below"....it probably would make more sense if i knew the vocal melody.....I can't find fault in the last line either...I am sorry that i can't find anything to crit....it is just really god in my opinion..


Chorus:

I can't build you up you're caving in
No one out there wants to see you win
This message in a bottle
burns like a bitch
but it scratches the itch
When the water's gone
and its journey has yet to begin
first line could use an "if" between the "you" and "up"...or maybe some other fluff word....hm...the second line...hm...It seems subpar in comparision to the rest of the peice. ...I like the the rest of the chorus though...just that second line just doesnt jive like the rest....


Verse 2:

It won't work until you get your head right
It won't bite until you know what you throw
And all the stories they told by your bedside is what you want to hear
They won't change the things you can't help but know
Dang it you are making it hard to crit this....I like this too much and can't find any flaws in this stanza....

Chorus

Contrast:

Why can't I tell you what I know about the things you fear
Why can't I just let go and watch you **** it up
Why can't I just pick up the pieces that you left me with
And try to put together messages for someone else
Messages for someone else
the only thing i can find to say here is that personaly I feel the use of **** words is sort of a cop out.... just my opinion though..
Solo

Chorus

Contrast

Outro

Outro

Crit4crit, obviously. =)



ok on an overall note....I like this alot...I can't find anything to really critique on it....It is just too good...I don't think i deserve a crit for crit...but here is a link to my work any way....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1480190


I just crited to tell you that this was really good and that i look forward to more of your work in the future....the first stanza is one of the best i have read on Ug...
I haz gotten gud
#3
Quote by AlienFinger79
Hey guys - it's been a couple of years since I last posted on these forums, but I've been working on my songwriting skills in the meantime, and now I guess I just figured it was time for me to get some feedback again, see where I stand.

This is a song I wrote about all the things I'd wish I could have beaten into the skull of my younger self.

Verse 1:

You face your fate and you're playing its chess game
You might not win the match if you're the challenger
Unless you made a deal down below, I guess, well… then you're alright.
But if you die while you try, you're just an amateur

I'm not sure why you put that 'your' there, the point still gets out and makes it sound a little less cliche. The third line interrupts the flow a bit, but nothing too catastrophic or anything. I like the subtle rhymes in the second and fourth lines. As for the meaning I'm guessing telling your younger self about what's coming ahead of him unless he does something criminal, but there's the danger of death there? I'm not entirely sure though, I like the passive tone here though.


Chorus:

I can't build you up, you're caving in
No one out there wants to see you win
This message in a bottle
burns like a bitch
but it scratches the itch
When the water's gone
and its journey has yet to begin

I like the chorus, mostly because I like the imagery but also because for some reason it reminds me of Pink Floyd. The meaning turns really vague after "see you win", the imagery's great but I'm still trying to figure what this part's about.

Verse 2:

It won't work until you get your head right
It won't bite until you know what you throw
And all the stories they told by your bedside is what you want to hear
They won't change the things you can't help but know

Love this bit here - I've always wished I could tell my younger self the exact same thing The third line interrupts the flow a little, but I wouldn't change it since I can't find another way to get that point out.

Chorus

Contrast:

Why can't I tell you what I know about the things you fear
Why can't I just let go and watch you **** it up
Why can't I just pick up the pieces that you left me with
And try to put together messages for someone else
Messages for someone else

I personally think this is the weakest stanza in the piece, and it's also a little vague. But as earlier I can't think of another way you could word it so I'd say leave it as is for now. I can relate to this too.

Solo

Chorus

Contrast

Outro

Outro

Crit4crit, obviously. =)
Blue = Revisions


I'd say that was quite a pleasant read, something feels like it's lacking in it though. Not entirely sure what though. It's easy to relate to and has some nice imagery. Well done.

As for my piece, I'll just bump the thread whenever I work on that piece. I won't be changing anything drastically though.

Thank you again for the crit and I hope this was helpful