#1
Some song i wrote kind of recently, about a situation that's happening.

Caged

Caged by darkness , i'm drowning in fear
and I can't go on like this without you
you're all i ever wanted in life, and all i ever had
so just please put an end the tears


Moving foreward, but nothings changed
Fade away into 'lonliness eternal'
existance without purpose, but it's all i've got
as i try to ignore the pain


Pick up the peices, can't put them back together
you know i really believed in us
all the times we wanted to have
And i thought we'd carry on, forever.


Chords used:
Dminor, C
#2
I like this...I am way to tired to do a detailed crit...All i can say is that it is good and simple....i lold when i saw the chords used....I love when songs are just meaningful lyrics with an acoustic guitar strumming a few chords just to make it ok to sing....(last line of first verse...missing a word...) thank you for the good quick read....i might give a crit in tomorrow...
I haz gotten gud
#3
Quote by ApatheticMe
I like this...I am way to tired to do a detailed crit...All i can say is that it is good and simple....i lold when i saw the chords used....I love when songs are just meaningful lyrics with an acoustic guitar strumming a few chords just to make it ok to sing....(last line of first verse...missing a word...) thank you for the good quick read....i might give a crit in tomorrow...


Thanks man, yeah in the times ive tried playing this it is more of a 'spoken / sung poem' really. It was written about the situation recently so i just tried to be honest and then added a bit of simple guitar music.
#4
Quote by Zoot Allures
Some song i wrote kind of recently, about a situation that's happening.

Caged

Caged by darkness , i'm drowning in fear
First line....(I Like this line alot...sets the tone for te entire peice right away...I would suggest a new word other than "drowning" it is a very overused word..maybe you can get away with it in the middle of a stanza but not the first line)

and I can't go on like this without you
second line...(this line is cleche as can be....It offers little to the stanza....I would recomend a repfrasing of this line...maybe something along the lines of "I can't live without your presence beside me"...or something not as simple and cleche as what you have right now..)


you're all i ever wanted in life, and all i ever had
third line ....(sounds good....nothing to crit....nothing stands out....it is what it is and it says what it says....)

so just please put an end the tears
fourth line (....ok this line has fluf words of "so" and "..."just".....I would reword the line "Please put an end to these tears"....sounds simple like the rest of the lines but flows better...)


Moving foreward, but nothings changed
1st....(this line is goods...leave as is....)

Fade away into 'lonliness eternal'
2nd line...( i would advise maybe trading the word "fade" with "slip"....)

existance without purpose, but it's all i've got
3rd....i like the first part....second part could end like "but it's all you've left me"

as i try to ignore the pain
4th....i am sick of saying things are cleche....cleche sounds good..i like this line....even though i have seen it a lot...


Pick up the peices, can't put them back together
1st....this line is good but it needs to be reworded to make more sense...)

you know i really believed in us
2nd...."this line means the same thing worded "I belive in us"....so you might want to add more with the other words in the line....the add litttle to line)

all the times we wanted to have
3rd....simple line is simple....but good

And i thought we'd carry on, forever.
I like this....good way to end it....


Chords used:
Dminor, C



on an overal note....

this is a dime a dozen set of lyrics.....it is not original....but it is not meant to be....It is easy to follow and if presented with emotion(obviosly you feel it about this peace) it will succeed....I like to have a few songs like this in my arsenal...it is the song that makes emo easy....

good job....

crit for crit ????
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28165353
I haz gotten gud
#5
Quote by ApatheticMe
on an overal note....

this is a dime a dozen set of lyrics.....it is not original....but it is not meant to be....It is easy to follow and if presented with emotion(obviosly you feel it about this peace) it will succeed....I like to have a few songs like this in my arsenal...it is the song that makes emo easy....

good job....

crit for crit ????
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28165353

Thanks man, made some alterations, the only thing i'll keep the same identically is 'believed' cus unfortunatly this is past tense >.> or at least i want that bit to be, but other than that i appreciate the criticism , i did yours too in the link.
#6
Some song i wrote kind of recently, about a situation that's happening.

Caged

Caged by darkness , i'm drowning in fear
and I can't go on like this without you
you're all i ever wanted in life, and all i ever had
so just please put an end the tears I've just put all the cliche words/images in bold. These words are so overused they rarely evoke any emotion in me.


Moving foreward, but nothings changed
Fade away into 'lonliness eternal'
existance without purpose, but it's all i've got
as i try to ignore the pain This stanza is almost perfect, but the last line was a really weak point. I'd suggest changing it.


Pick up the pieces, can't put them back together
you know i really believed in us
all the times we wanted to have
And i thought we'd carry on, forever. Solid stanza here, almost crossing cliche though


Chords used:
Dminor, C

I have to say that it was filled with cliches, but it's made much better to me because of that "fade away into 'loneliness eternal'" line. That's probably the one thing I enjoyed about it. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm ripping on this piece a lot but I just see a lot of potential in it and you shouldn't let it stop there. Make a few more drafts of it, using different words but making the same point and see what you like more.

Keep writing.
#7
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
I have to say that it was filled with cliches, but it's made much better to me because of that "fade away into 'loneliness eternal'" line. That's probably the one thing I enjoyed about it. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm ripping on this piece a lot but I just see a lot of potential in it and you shouldn't let it stop there. Make a few more drafts of it, using different words but making the same point and see what you like more.

Keep writing.

Funnily enough that line is the one that (for various reasons) means the most to me anyway, which is why it's in quotation marks like that tbh. I'll have a go at changing things around a bit with the wordings.

If you like you could check out my other poem / song i made a thread on >.>
#8
Quote by Zoot Allures
Some song i wrote kind of recently, about a situation that's happening.

Caged

Caged by darkness , i'm drowning in fear
and I can't go on like this without you
you're all i ever wanted in life, and all i ever had
so just please put an end the tears
This is good but I think you can describe your feelings better than "caged in darkness"

Moving foreward, but nothings changed
Fade away into 'lonliness eternal'
existance without purpose, but it's all i've got
as i try to ignore the pain
I like this part but it could be strengthened by proper grammer. "but it's all I have" sounds more desparate

Pick up the peices, can't put them back together
you know i really believed in us
all the times we wanted to have
And i thought we'd carry on, forever.
cut out "in us" and you have a nice ending to this acoustic number


Chords used:
Dminor, C


Nice song gent. I like the feel of it overall, just some little things.

crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28175205#post28175205
#9
I didn't really like it, just reading the lyrics; I thought it was very cliche. However, then I grabbed my guitar and played it to myself, and I must say, job well done sir.
Not exactly a frequent poster.
#10
wow i feel stupid....i just picked up my guitar and played this song....

It is better than i thought it was....good job zoot


^^^thank you tunamelt....(even though you said i was proly trying to hard on my stuff)
I haz gotten gud
#11
Quote by Zoot Allures
If you like you could check out my other poem / song i made a thread on >.>

Sure, but I'm not home at the moment and wouldn't want to do a half assed job. So link me to the thread and I'll crit it in a few days
#12
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Sure, but I'm not home at the moment and wouldn't want to do a half assed job. So link me to the thread and I'll crit it in a few days

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481517

:3

It's more of a poem but it works as a song too to me with a word taken out here or there, i appreciate other opinions on this stuff