#1
I'm back to posting lyrics for a while, as my band is nearing the completion of our first EP. The genre is something along the lines of indie/post-rock - you know, lots of distortion, delay, and instrumental buildups.

C4C, as always. Oh, and please leave a link if you would like a critique in return. I don't like thread hunting.


EDIT: Fixed some parts y'all pointed out, and removed the backing vocals as they're rather irrelevant and it only complicates the critiquing process.

You made so many friends out there
in the cold, dead universe,
but the stars will not keep you warm,
and the sun won't wait for your return.

You learned so many things up there,
like how to sing and how not to care.
When you found your way back to Earth,
you had never seemed stranger to us.

Your shallow steps.
Your many missteps
from here.

Keep yourself warm
amongst your stars and suns.
Keep yourself warm,
(this line is under construction).

Someday we'll both find
our sun will die,
and we will regret that
we never tried
to capture it's tired light
inside ourselves.
Because of your fear,
it's burning out.

In spite of this decay,
I will find another one.
By light of this old flame,
I will find another one.

I know you didn't mean to be afraid
of light.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 20, 2011,
#2
Here's my critque with the following piece.


Reminds me of a distance planet of neptune or pluto. Cold, desolute, and lifeless. Very interesting 1st stanza with the direction with your words. i sense strong emotions with each word described.

Light may mean enternal life in the heavens, nirvana, or splended afterlife. This person has felt this great feeling of love and hasnt changed once returning to earth. probably this person has this gift on a daily basis making the narrator or social circle of friends to appreciate.

Overall, a very good piece focusing a tribute to someone you care about. could be anyone. some parts got repetitive with the word 'oh' but maybe its part of the dialect in a song. i cant understand shallow steps metaphor when tied with the peice. those are my only issues. other than that good work.
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 20, 2011,
#3
honestly, this was pretty crappy on the page. only the last line did anything for me. the rest were like any other song of this type i've heard (if i'm assuming what y'all sound like), and thats not necessarily a bad thing. sure its one of those great as a song not great as a poem pieces.

#4
Here we go...I will give you a crit....(this is not my particular style of writing but i will give it my all)



C4C, as always.

(Note: Lyrics in parenthesis are backing vocals and are placed below the line they are meant to be sung behind.)

You made so many friends up there
I would change the word "up" to "out"...it is more scientifically correct.
in the cold, cold universe,
I think you could use a new word for cold....or use the line with something like "In the friged, cold universe"...or any other combination of two different words...

but the stars will not keep you warm,
Lines is perfect as is.

and the sun won't wait for your return.
I dont know why but i feel it would read better if it was worded..."for you to return"...instead of "for your return"


You learned so many things up there,
(I know you didn't mean to be afraid)
like how to sing and how not to care.
(of light.)
When you found your way back to Earth,
(I know you didn't mean to be afraid)
you had never seemed stranger to us.
(of light.)
With all this layering of lyrics I am not even going to attempt to crit this....It looks good on paper but I do not want to tell you to edit it in any way becuase it could mess with the complex layering....


Oh, your shallow steps.
Oh, your many missteps
from here.
I dont understand the repetition of "oh"...you can always use this word without using it...Like with the inflection of your singing...

Keep yourself warm
amongst your stars and suns.
Keep yourself warm,
and don't turn to any of us.
I like this stanza except for the lsat line....it feels week to me....and i dont like the near rhyme of suns and us...

Someday we'll both find
our sun will die,
and we will regret that
we never tried
to capture it's tired light
inside ourselves.
Because of your fear,
it's burning out.
THis is my favorite stanza....I can find no fault...it comes of as poetic and very easily delivered in a song...


(Oh,)
In spite of this decay,
(your shallow steps.)
I will find another one.
(Oh,)
By light of this old flame,
(your many missteps)
I will find another one.
(from here.)
Backing up your vocals with "oh" does not wow me at all...This is a good stanza other than that....I can alomst hear the song in my head....imagery with sound....

I know you didn't mean to be afraid
of light.
Reminds me of an ending I wrote.....I like it...as long as it leads to an abrupt end...I would not recomend repeating this little part 15 times before the song ends....



On an overall note...I like this...It is hard to critique....I did my best though....If you feel like giving me a crit it would be appreciated....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481269
I haz gotten gud
#5
Thank you all for the critiques. It is post-rockish, so I understand that the lyrics may not look great on paper. It's the musical accompaniment that bring the emotion and strength to the piece. However, I will take your critiques into consideration as I continue to edit this song.

And, ApatheticMe, that's exactly what I was going for with the ending. One line followed by an abrupt end. No repeating the last line 4-8 times in this song.

#1 synth: I appreciate your consistently honest critiques. I'll be the first to admit it's a bit too cliche, especially for the genre, but that's why I posted it here so y'all could tear it up. Thanks, mate.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 20, 2011,