#1
Hello there...this is of course C 4 C...I like harsh critiques the most.....the more I am bashed the better I can make my writing....

NightVisions

These terrors that haunt me at night
Tear me apart as I struggle to fight
Ripping the visions from my reality
Twisting until it leads to insanity
Struggle to find my minds light
Such a sad little plight..........defeat is assured

Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Played out deaths of loved ones
Forever turning into forgotten dust
Like a car left seaside to sit and rust
I sit wide awake to deter my mind
If only there was a solution to find
Alas I am left only to pine.................for a cure

Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Inside these nightvisions I swim
Infinitely drowning in the oceans film
Raped hopes of survival I have still
An island to rest my head
Where my terrors lie dead
I place devoid of the red.......a place stained pure

Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Hello, can you hear me
Lost, I can only plea
For a way out of here
Will you please assure
That there is a cure
A place stained pure


ApatheticMe
I haz gotten gud
#2
Quote by ApatheticMe
Hello there...this is of course C 4 C...I like harsh critiques the most.....the more I am bashed the better I can make my writing....

NightVisions

These terrors that haunt me at night
Tear me apart as I struggle to fight
Ripping the visions from my reality
Twisting until it leads to insanity

This is good, dark and suitable and i like how it's straight to the point, i would consider changing 'twisting untill' to 'twisting till my insanity' possibly, but only if it is meant to be kept in the 1st person at this point as with 'haunt me at night', just thought it added more consistancy. But other than that i like these as they are a lot

Struggle to find my minds light
Such a sad little plight..........defeat is assured

Nothing more to add here, i like the 'defeat is assured' at the end, sounds good.
Why am I chained so
To these bedposts

I kind of read this as 'so chained' instead of 'chained so', just a small criticism but in my head it sounded a bit better that way

Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

This part is fine as it is

Played out deaths of loved ones
Forever turning into forgotten dust
Like a car left seaside to sit and rust

Went over this part in my mind and i think this is actually really good too, it's direct and i don't think there's a better way to say this.

I sit wide awake to deter my mind
If only there was a solution to find
Alas I am left only to pine.................for a cure

I thought this part may sound better with 'left forever to pine' or similar, just because 'only' was said and in my mind it seemed more flowing that way.

Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Good repeat but same criticism as before, but other than that it's good, definately 'sings' and i'm just reading it here on a computer.

Inside these nightvisions I swim
Infinitely drowning in the oceans film
Raped hopes of survival I have still
An island to rest my head
Where my terrors lie dead
I place devoid of the red.......a place stained pure

Thought 'i have still' could be reworded slightly to make it more 'flowing', like 'raped hopes of survival i think of still' even if it's longer i think it sounds less abrupt.

Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Hello, can you hear me
Lost, I can only plea
For a way out of here
Will you please assure
That there is a cure
A place stained pure

Last verse seems all good to me, clear and not much that looks out of place.

ApatheticMe


Overall i think it's good, as i said before it seems to 'sing' to me in a way so i can see it easily going into a lot of kinds of music, you could probably do something super heavy to this as well as some dark acoustic guitar type thing, which is good since it has that variety. I tried to be 'harsh' and honest but i think this is a good peice , so i only made some slight suggestions where things sounded more awkward than others.
#3
I'd love to give you a thorough critique, mate, but Zoot Allures mirrored my thoughts exactly. Other than a few wording and flow issues, I could really feel this as a song, and it definitely read as a song. Great work, mate.
#4


You are too kind....I think I might be able to make those sort of flow errors flow with the melody and delivery i plan on using....it sort of sings itself almost....

Thanks for the critiques...
I haz gotten gud
#5
It's a little tired and generic.

"Why am I chained so
To these bedposts?"

So doesn't belong there, and you placed it there just to rhyme.
Sorry, I'm not much for crits
Poor advice.
#6
Quote by ApatheticMe
Hello there...this is of course C 4 C...I like harsh critiques the most.....the more I am bashed the better I can make my writing....

NightVisions

These terrors that haunt me at night
Tear me apart as I struggle to fight
Ripping the visions from my reality
Twisting until it leads to insanity
Struggle to find my minds light
Such a sad little plight..........defeat is assured
I really don't like the AABBCC rhyming scheme. Especially when you are attempting to do something dark. Although I like the added phrase at the end
Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights
Try and look for some less used imagery.
Played out deaths of loved ones
Forever turning into forgotten dust
Like a car left seaside to sit and rust
I sit wide awake to deter my mind
If only there was a solution to find
Alas I am left only to pine.................for a cure
My favorite stanza of the piece by far except for the last line this time
Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Inside these nightvisions I swim
Infinitely drowning in the oceans film
Raped hopes of survival I have still
An island to rest my head
Where my terrors lie dead
I place devoid of the red.......a place stained pure
I feel like you added words here needlessly unless you are trying to copy the above meter. If so that works.
Why am I chained so
To these bedposts
Am I destined to receive
These ever turbulent seas
For the rest of my nights

Hello, can you hear me
Lost, I can only plea
For a way out of here
Will you please assure
That there is a cure
A place stained pure
You should have ended it at "lost, I can only plea." the rest is weak to me and this would end the piece much more strongly.

ApatheticMe



Overall, I like your last piece better gent but this isn't bad at all. You asked for as much of a critique as possible so I hope it helps!

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28175205#post28175205
#7
I had a meter and rhyme scheme i was using.....so....i did add a few words to fit that....but i feel it ties the song together....I also feel this is better than the last thing i posted....but then agian i am not that good of a crit...

my dark is meant to sound pop-y....That way it sort of contradicts itself.....like the chorus is about as easy sing along pop as i can write...

lolz....i was trying to write aaabbb....but he first verse was being a bitch so i left it as aabbcc....i dont think that can be caught as easily when i sing it though.....

thanks for the crit....
I haz gotten gud
#8
There are definitely some good lines in it, but the whole idea is tired and nearing cliche status.

If it sounds like you're trying too hard, you probably are.
Not exactly a frequent poster.
#9
I am not trying to hard....I wrote this a few nights ago after i wrote the word 'nightvision" in a poem....i got inspired and i wrote this...I did not try really at all i just let the words come....

Are there any good topics left that are not cliche?....

answer to that would be no...

sorry to rant...i just wanted to defend myself....
I haz gotten gud