#1
Had a few. Wrote this up. C4C.

When the evening turned a sideways yellow
and the clouds were bright above the rain,
it all didn't seem to fit together;
a dream we both watched, and we slept the same.

And then it was so quiet,
silent enough to hear underneath it all,
to hear the sound we concealed beneath busy lives,
and it reminded you of how honest life is.
It reminded me
that if I can't lose something,
don't have it.
We're only strays.
#2
Sure i can give a crit for a crit....

Quote by Martyr's Prayer
Had a few. Wrote this up. C4C.

When the evening turned a sideways yellow
Great line....I love the word "sideways" used to describe a color...

and the clouds were bright above the rain,
I like this....I am getting pretty images

it all didn't seem to fit together;
On first read this line sort of shattered the image i had and replaced it....I like that in a poem...

a dream we both watched, and we slept the same.
I think this line was a good idea....the execution is what i do not like...after the comma it sort of falls flat....I would reowrd the line to make it one sentence...

And then it was so quiet,
I would suggest maybe replacing the word "so" with "dead" or some other more meaningful word..

silent enough to hear underneath it all,
Perfect line.....imo

to hear the sound we concealed beneath busy lives,
Omit "to hear" and this is another near perfect line...

and it reminded you of how honest life is.
ooh i liked this line alot on first read,...and it is still a keeper...

It reminded me
that if I can't lose something,
don't have it.
I like this last bit....but i would recomend rewording the last line to read "I should't have it"....it reads better in my mind....but then agian it is all opinion...



on an overall note....this is good...I like the picture it paints...It is a simple read and can be easily understood in one read through...wich is a good thing....I would work on not repeating so much....

C4C....???...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481269

(please tear it apart...i may not alter the piece itself but i will use the thoughts you give to further improve my writing.)
I haz gotten gud