#1
this is my first song its also still in the works so go easy on me c4c


Ive hitched a million miles
I'll probably hitch a million more
i don't know were this path leads
but this is surely getting old

i know what Ive been told and i don't believe a word
so despite what you have heard
the bird is not the word

i have traveled far and wide
but i still have much to see
ironically this displeases me
left out for all to see

Ive walked through hell barefoot
and ive smoked weed with the devil
much to my surprise he wasn't that bad of a guy
untill i tried to barter for my soul i sold him years ago
he looked at me and laughed, a deal is a deal
he said i own your soul like i own Ronnie James dio's
so dont try to run and hide cuz you f****** soul is mine
stickin my nuts between my strings and strumming myself to extacy one note at at time since. . . .
Last edited by scooby481 at Sep 21, 2011,
#3
not yet
stickin my nuts between my strings and strumming myself to extacy one note at at time since. . . .
#4
Ok i will crit for crit...

Quote by scooby481
this is my first song so go easy on me c4c


Ive walked a million miles
I'll probably walk a million more
Ever hear of a song that goes "I have walked 500 miles and i will walk 500 more"...????...um...these lines are a bit similar....

i don't know were this path leads
but this is surely getting old
These lines are better....I like them...."is" would wound better if it was "is"....

i know what Ive been told and i don't believe a word
so despite what you have heard
the bird is not the word
lolz.....like no really i just laughed out loud....i love it keep these lines as is...

i have traveled far and wide
but i still have much to see
ironically this displeases me
left out for all to see
um....why is it ironic?...if you can maybe explain that in the piece....

Ive walked through hell barefoot
and ive smoked weed with the devil
use of the word "devil" is a no no....be more creative...and you just said you walked through hell and smoked weed with the devil....sort of repeats itself a bit...

much to my surprise he wasn't that bad of a guy
untill i tried to barter for my soul i sold him years ago
ok if you are going to have a conversation with the devil i guess you should leave the word devil in the earlier line....i actually like these two lines a lot...

he looked at me and laughed, a deal is a deal
he said i own your soul like i own Ronnie James dio's
so dont try to run and hide cuz you f****** soul is mine
I feel like this is tenacios d....





ok on an overal note....you sort of left the song and went of on a story in the last stanza....that should be taken out and made into its own song....what you have before that is a good start to a song....i feel like you could make this into two different songs.....becuase right now it is a 3/4 finished song with a story on the end.....

i pmed you a link to my piece.....

I look forward to seeing your writting improve...
I haz gotten gud
#5
yea thats what i was thinking but its still in the works cheers
stickin my nuts between my strings and strumming myself to extacy one note at at time since. . . .
#6
Yeah if you added a few lines of imagery to the second part it would make one heck of a good story song...Let me know when you get it worked out...
I haz gotten gud