#1
C4C, as always.

Hello, Earth,
my cerulean lover.

Have I been missed?
Have you been kissed
since I left?

Do the stars yet light your path
through this spirited galaxy?
Is the sun always shining
to brighten your face,
bringing colour to your complexion?

Do your waters still rise
with the course of the moon?
Have your mountaintops remained
as shrines to your design?

Will you await my return
to your verdant green hills
and your deep oceans,
full of majesty and wonder?

Patience.
Patience.

I will be the comet
who craters your chest
and dives to your core,
where I will find peace.

Home at last.
#2
I see a theme of outer space in your last two songs.....I will crit this when I have another piece posted...And if i let this soak in a few days i can give a better crit.....

I like it though....keep it up....watch out on posting too many songs though...>_>...<_<
I haz gotten gud
#3
Yeah, I waited 24 hours between threads, and I hadn't posted in over a week before then, so I'm within the rules. Thanks for watching out though.


EDIT: And, yes, 90% of my recent work has been space-themed. I've found the universe to be very inspiring lately.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Sep 20, 2011,
#4
I finally got to this....I'll give it my best....

Quote by Winter Sky
C4C, as always.

Hello, Earth,
my cerulean lover.
I so thought of pokemon....I like these lines....are they going to be spoken or sang?

Have I been missed?
Have you been kissed
since I left?
hm....Has the earth been kissed.....on first read this made me ponder...sort of a sit up and listen little stanza....good as is

Do the stars yet light your path
through this spirited galaxy?
Is the sun always shining
to brighten your face,
bringing colour to your complexion?
the only thing that doesnt gell for me in this is "yet " in the first line...i would use the wrod "still"....just me thuogh...the rest flows nicley and works well..


Do your waters still rise
with the course of the moon?
Have your mountaintops remained
as shrines to your design?
ooh i like the last two lines alot....hm....I just dont think the word course looks right...or sounds right....maybe the word "path" our "track" would work better....


Will you await my return
to your verdant green hills
and your deep oceans,
full of majesty and wonder?
I like the use of less common words....I think these lines are good as is..


Patience.
Patience.
i need to hear these lines in the song.....to know if they work....

I will be the comet
who craters your chest
and dives to your core,
where I will find peace.
you and your space themes.....they work though.....i can see this song as having multiple meanings....i like this...

Home at last.
come on after all of this great stuff^^^^ I am sure you have more to offer for an ending.....this is subpar to the rest of it...





On an overall note....I like this....your space thing works really well....I can understand what you are getting at....

your writting is good...I am more focusing on the flow and word choice when i look at this....

god dangit...i just looked at the title of this...and....It sort of lets the piece down....i would consider somehting.....better...

c4c.....please it needs help....

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482503
I haz gotten gud
#5
ehhhhhhh not convinced. I don't think your heart is in this one. you're good enough you don't have to force all these words in there.

majesty and wonder? sounds like america the beautiful or something. you gotta show these things. these words don't make people feel anything when you just put them out there alone.

spirited galaxy was silly

shrines to design was a bit trite as well

verdant doesn't fit the diction at all

are these questions worth asking (and for a reader, worth reading)? it's pretty certain the moon is gonna mess with tides. if the suns ever brightened the earths face, it still will be. the only doubt to these things is catastrophic and practically apocalyptic and you don't bring that into question as you need to if you want to deal with these things and have them matter at all

the last line doesnt get its due. given the content the last line should feel comfortable (see https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1023789 (I don't mean to compare you to one of the strongest endings ive ever read here (sorry nick) just because its the same line, but because its the same line, maybe you can get something out of how settled in it feels when it claims to be home at last. it doesnt get there in this piece but it doesnt try accomplish something other than that)). it doesn't belong yet.

it just comes off as so hollow. theres no setting. theres no action. theres no philosophy even. theres no point. That's gonna sound way mean (i hope you don't take it as a personal attack- not that i expect you to. youve got a lot going for you.) but it doesn't say anything about the earth and doesn't say anything about the speaker. just step back from it and i think you can notice that the concept doesn't materialize. you should rewrite this poem for practicing your voice and letting the poem take the reader somewhere beyond where they start. its constricted now. let it go where the poem wants to go.

hope this is helpful somehow.
jimmy
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 25, 2011,
#6
Thanks, guys. My writing has admittedly gotten too vague and shallow lately. I think I'll wait until some new inspiration hits me before 'i posy here anymore. I need to get back to my roots and really think about what I want to say.

I'll C4C later, as my sleeping meds are making it hard to read and type. If I forget to return the favor to any of you, please feel free to send me a PM and bitch at me.
#7
Granted, I'm on a completely different level than you guys (the sad drivel I post is the best I can do right now). Some of your stuff just amazes me with its overall intrigue.

I really, really liked this piece so it pains me for someone to eradicate it that way. I'm sure you have good reason jiminizzle. I just can't see it.

I'm not even going to ask you to crit anything of mine. It would be a rather pointless endeavor if this is what you consider crap.

Good luck with your writings my friend!!