#1
One point to make, this could be seen as more of a poem than a song, although i have worked out music for it, when read a poem i'll keep some of the more long winded phrasings shorter. But nevertheless..

Dreams

Late september, not much chance
and i wish i believed in prayer
if i did i could call on the heavens
for an answer
will you ever care?

To last a lifetime isn't an achievement
when you're living sheltering from the rain
to stay on your deathbed and have no regrets
no mistakes, or memories
just the dreams that never came

Look for some direction ,take whatevers given
forever distracted. from reality
dreams that are broken and empty words
who knew things could fall so hard?

I'm writing my thoughts, or at least i try
all the dreams, just a 'lovers lie'?
i'll carry this burden to my dying day
we all die alone , so they say
#2
I will give it a go...

[quote="Zoot Allures

Dreams

Late september, not much chance
and i wish i believed in prayer
if i did i could call on the heavens
for an answer
will you ever care?
This feels good....hm...maybe you could omit the "and" in line 2...."could" in line 3 should be "would"....dangit that line should read as..."If i did i would call to the heavens"...last lin "will" should be "would"

To last a lifetime isn't an achievement
when you're living sheltering from the rain
"When you're living sheltered from the rain"
to stay on your deathbed and have no regrets
To lie on your deathbed withought regret.

no mistakes, or memories
just the dreams that never came
(good as is)

Look for some direction ,take whatevers given
forever distracted. from reality
dreams that are broken and empty words
who knew things could fall so hard?
omit "that are" in line 3......i would find a new word for "hard"....or maybe a rewording of the last line in its entirety

I'm writing my thoughts, or at least i try
" at least i try" should be "trying to",...sounds better..

all the dreams, just a 'lovers lie'?
Insert a "are" before "all"

i'll carry this burden to my dying day
we all die alone , so they say





on an overall note...this is good...needs a but of love to make her great though...the last lines are great....but even they could be reowrded...i like it though...

hope i helped a bit...

thanks for the crit on mine by the way...
I haz gotten gud