#1
Here's some lyrics i wrote while reading some of my past work, took a lot of these lines from other songs I've wrote and decided to make some lyrics with it, Enjoy!

Make me believe in every lie you breathe out
Take apart this home that’s become a lonely place
Cut away the plastic, I surrender the mask I dawn
This time I won’t lie before I shut you out

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be

I still grasp to the ashes from our burned down dreams
Does this get better with time, or just becomes a cancer?
I’m still burning from both ends, waiting to shut myself down
Every time I think about it, I always shut you out

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be

I’m learning to stand on own, without vices bringing me back down
Learning to breathe without you, only to find myself back without you

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be
Last edited by *Thundernation* at Sep 21, 2011,
#2
Quote by *Thundernation*
Here's some lyrics i wrote while reading some of my past work, took a lot of these lines from other songs I've wrote and decided to make some lyrics with it, Enjoy!

Make me believe in every lie you breathe out
Take apart this home that’s become a lonely place
Cut away the plastic, I surrender the mask I dawn
This time I won’t lie before I shut you out

The 3rd line here is brilliant.

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be

The chorus is okay, but I find the 3rd line sounds a bit wierd.

I still grasp to the ashes from our burned down dreams
Does this get better with time, or just becomes a cancer?
I’m still burning from both ends, waiting to shut myself down
Every time I think about it, I always shut you out

This stanza's my favourite. All the lines go perfectly and flows well.

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be

I’m learning to stand on own, without vices bringing me back down
Learning to breathe without you, only to find myself back without you

The first line is great. The second doesn't really make sense with "only to find myself back without you". Did you mean 'without' or is is meant to be 'with'?

Take me for everything I am, just before I learn to fall
This all started because of everything that I’ve done
Take me for nothing I can be, I won’t rise above this
This is everything that I can be


Overall, it was good. Very well written and some really great lines in there.
#3
my intake on this piece. it caught my interest while searching for a piece to critque.

"I still grasp to the ashes from our burned down dreams
Does this get better with time, or just becomes a cancer?
I’m still burning from both ends, waiting to shut myself down
Every time I think about it, I always shut you out"

theme in this stanza clearly represents the piece as a whole.

overall, i like the confidence you presented in this piece. i sense a strong direction from beginning to end. problems arise inside the writer trying to reflect and reason the problem. thus seeking an answer from why this cancer or problem keeps getting stronger. i like the dissonance with each line which is my style of writing.