#1
This was originally meant to be a poem sort of but i ended up writing a chorus too This is my first time posting and my first time writing really so keep that in mind :P

I tried my best
But noone told me it wasnt enough
Eyes hollow, and looking rough
I slide into the corner
I got no chance
I got nothing to believe

But everything we do falls apart
Like bricks in the sand
(chorus) a stick in the river
a truth in hand
Mother Superior
But i know im no different from the rest
But i really did try my best

But i keep on
Back to the start, the very beginning
No supports to keep this dam from spilling
The friends who smile with crushed frowns
and the friends who prance around like clowns
All think they know where they are
But everything we do falls apart

As i said it needs alot of work XD but it took me about 10 minutes and im sort of pleased for my first try although i think i screwed up the structure in the 2nd verse XD. Im not sure what its about entirely lol but i had in my mind about depression and about a guy coming off heroin sort of but i havent really touched on these too much in the song. I dont like it too much though as i think it sounds kind of too emo (which i dont like). Any feedback and advice will be appreciated.
#3
I like the rhyme between 'river' and 'Superior', for me it was a nice touch.

In the last verse I felt the lines ending in 'frowns' and 'clowns' were a bit forced, I don't know why, I just found myself thinking that if you'd spent 15 minutes you could have thought of something slightly better?

Overall though, it's a decent effort! I enjoyed reading it. It does have an 'emo' kind of feel, but in the way that it's emotional. It doesn't seem to be whining to me, which I like. A lot of times you read stuff that are basically a few verses of writers complaining.

Good job! Keep at it!
#4
Thanks man that means alot At the moment i really have trouble thinking up a good melody and putting it to music.
#5
i like the lyrics and i kinda made up my own version as i read the words lol
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Last edited by digoutyerarse at Sep 21, 2011,