#1
so this, my inheritance
a sickness of sorrows
left to lie in bed
with my half-forgotten lovers
the knives lay like
children beneath
the pills sit like
bells
on a yuletide wreath
rung once or not at all
and passed down the line
of a thinning rope
entwined with certain miseries
left to dwindle or else
hang and dance, swindled by the spindle
of its ornament;
the father, wetting my tongue
once with the bottle when I was young
and twice now with a different one altogether-
I suppose I take after my mother.
#4
the internal rhymes almost become too distracting towards the end; specifically the dwindle/swindle/spindle which is tied up in dance/ornament. the second rhyme is very subtle but i'm riding a tongue-turning wave at that point and can hardly appreciate it.

i feel like each "method" if you will gets a cursory bit of explanation to support it except for the knives which makes the opening imagery seem really bland and unengaging when rereading. the pills as bells on a wreath image was inspired though. excellent. there's actually a lot of great imagery in this once it picks up steam.

thematically, it was simple but effective. nothing wrong with directness now and then, i can only hope it's not too true to life. i hope you're doing well and thanks for your thoughts on my piece. always a pleasure to read you, see you around.
#5
I think your word choice can account for a lot of your line breaks without needing them there.

the knives lay like
children beneath
the pills sit like
bells
on a yuletide wreath
rung once or not at all


see, that can be condensed, because the words you've chosen already flow in a certain way and breaking them seems almost obstructive for such a sinking piece.

I think you're getting better and better. You were impressive to start with. I want to see more of you (YOU) though, not just the pretty words, because this is something dense and I only see your reflection here and there.
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