#1
you came to me with a heavy heart unforeseen
and wild eyes brimmed with heat that you yourself could rarely see
hidden in your words of steam, brewing teas that bid serene
bubbling over, tongue-tied lover, though your thoughts presented clean

behind the armor you are tired
showing on your mouth so weary
with a patience you discovered though disillusioned means
and your brow, it anchors fiercely
what I long for in your slumber
feathered lids veiling over what you search for in your dreams
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
I think you could do with a bit of sensitivity towards spacing- some parts immediately struck that could have had a bit more time to marinate- 'unforeseen' in particular could rest on its own line I think, to give it a bit more weight rather than an idea that feels a little tacked on the end. (I realize this may f*uck with your enjambment a bit, but I think it deserves a thought)

loved the dualism of heart/heat that ties the first two lines together- creates an interesting symmetry. tired & weary feels a little overstated, I think you could do to just keep one or the other. disillusioned means feels a bit vague as well, it sounds too broad to be specified. what means, exactly? why are they disillusioned?

anchors and armor is another awesome display of the symmetry you work with here- really cool. not sure if its intentional or not, but its probably my favourite aspect of this piece. ending is very much a light, collected summation of the piece. interesting that you left the period out, and I think it leaves the line to float there, working off the 'feathered' aspect of the line itself.

overall I think this could be just a little cleaned up, but otherwise the statement is interesting and fits in your series of fleeting lovers tied and untied. interesting.

if you could give my newest a look, that would be swell.
#3
just gonna say (for now) that your sounds, flow etc. are way improved (and by that i mean fantastic) here. theres a quiet ferocity here that i like a lotttt from you/yo
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
sticky, I'll make sure to get to your piece, and thank you for the thorough crit. I'm glad you enjoy the 'symmetry'; its intentional but not entirely presupposed.

jimmy, thanks a bunch. that's a huge compliment coming from you as you've been the most attentive to the way my words work together; I'm glad you sense some improvement.

good weeks to you two fellows. hope life is beautiful.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
I've noticed how much more rhythmic your poems have gotten lately and I must say that I love that they are. Here was no exception. Sticky already touched on a lot of the things I loved about the piece. The parallel in the armor-anchor imagery was subtly well-done as was the juxtaposition of those images with feathered lids and veils. The first images express heaviness, the inability to move. The second express airiness and weightlessness. Throwing them all together made the poem that much more interesting and thoughtful.

I did think you were rhyming a little too much in the beginning stanza. Between "me", "unforseen", "heat", "see", "steam", "teas", "serene", and "clean", I felt it was all too much and that you could play around with another internal rhyme to compensate. You do have some great lines but on my first read I was a little distracted by how much it rhymed. Just something to think about.

And I am doing well. I hope the same to you, saadia.
here, My Dear, here it is
#6
Quality writing aside from the fact that you used the long "E" rhyme far too often, turning it into more of a minor annoyance than anything. Perhaps in the future you might want to shy away from using such a repetitive rhyme scheme.

I remember you from the past, although I can't remember anything you've written. From what I've seen in the previous responses, it seems you're steadily improving which is a feat in itself. Hope to see more improvement yet in your next work.
#7
haha, I'll watch the e's next time. just a regular fan of assonance.

thank you for the crits guys. let me know if you'd like me to look at anything. I'm looking to getting my head back in to writing mode.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja