#1
C4C

Dragonfly

The grass is ten foot taller
Than when I last visited here
The trees have fallen in the wind
And the woodpeckers are dead

Let the dragon fly
And stay positive
Keep it subtle
By being obvious

Smoke has risen from the pores
Muddy water's pouring from the sky
Which is black because the sun said bye
And my lampshade's knocked over

Let the dragon fly
And stay positive
Keep it subtle
By being obvious

Glass and I have something in common
We're both shattered and on the floor
Fruit is no longer being born anymore
And the iron gates have all melted
#2
Quote by StrumThatFender
C4C

Dragonfly

The grass is ten foot taller ten *feet* taller
Than when I last visited here
The trees have fallen in the wind
And the woodpeckers are dead

Let the dragon fly
And stay positive
Keep it subtle
By being obvious

I don't think this verse is as strong as you think it is. Although maybe in song it works, but on paper it doesn't. It sounds very broad and vague. Maybe go into more detail, i.e. use metaphors with the verbs in each line. I like the idea you have, but draw more of an image here.

Smoke has risen from the pores
Muddy water's pouring from the sky Blues musician reference! Although it may be unintentional. Muddy Waters = amazing
Which is black because the sun said bye
This feels effortless. The next line could be much stronger if this line was not so vague. Instead of saying "Which is black because the sun said bye" maybe say something like "darkened by dust blotting out the sun; "the end is nigh." That wasn't especially great either but I am just trying to give you an example of how to make this line more powerful.
And my lampshade's knocked over

Let the dragon fly
And stay positive
Keep it subtle
By being obvious

Glass and I have something in common
We're both shattered and on the floor
Fruit is no longer being born anymore
And the iron gates have all melted

"Fruit being born" is odd. Maybe get rid of the last two lines and reflect more on the glass metaphor. I like that, it has potential and it is a great image. Just reflect on it and end with a powerful relation to it. Or actually, put two lines in between the first two lines and end with the shattered line.


I am sorry if I was so harsh. This poem has a ton of potential. You have some good ideas behind everything. It just needs work. Bring the imagery out of it!

Anyways, I would appreciate a C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481472
Last edited by 21wickwing at Sep 23, 2011,