#1
C4C
_________
In our best attempts to find a daze
we manage to scruff up a little to drink.
He's asleep now, says he's tired.
While I lie and wander off
(Dreaming of what my fingers would
eventually manage to create).

I miss her; sat and pondering
over her loss, or inability
to remain on track.
If only I could have one more
cigarette and reminisce about
the old days -
the fable where I was content.
(I mattered. I cared).

I'm feeling morbid;
and I'm about to go and
waste the remainder of
my self-worth.

Here's to good health.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Sep 22, 2011,
#2
This is very deep and meaningful. The end is especially powerful. I definitely love that ending.

I am just confused about the line (Dreaming of what my fingers would
eventually manage to create).

It seems a bit odd because no where else in the poem do you refer to reflecting upon her and writing or making music or anything. Most of the poem is really about how you miss her and you are going to waste your life away because you aren't with her anymore. So this particular line just seems a bit out of place to me.

So that's my 2 cents. I loved the poem, that line just kind of felt out of place to me, at least.

Anyways, I would appreciate a C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481472

It's a short poem, not exactly a verse to verse song thing but won't take much time.
Thanks.
#3
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
C4C
_________
In our best attempts to find a daze
we manage to scruff up a little to drink.
He's asleep now, says he's tired.
While I lie and wander off
(Dreaming of what my fingers would
eventually manage to create).
I actually like the foreshadowing of the parenthetical statement. I do get confused with the He to She transition though
I miss her; sat and pondering
over her loss, or inability
to remain on track.
If only I could have one more
cigarette and reminisce about
the old days -
the fable where I was content.
(I mattered. I cared).
This is beautiful. I picture a lonely fellow wishing to be a lonely figure at a lone table.
I'm feeling morbid;
and I'm about to go and
waste the remainder of
my self-worth.

Here's to good health.


Indeed, it is beautiful in a way that few pieces are. I like how concisely you wrote. With the little words you used you created an atmosphere and dragged me into it. I'm not fantastic at critiquing this type of work but I gave it a go.

C4C?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=28195633#post28195633
#4
@ wickwing well this poem isn't all about 'missing her'. I only mention that once really.

@ merriman Yeah I was hoping no one would get thrown off by that. The 'He' in here is just a friend.

Thank you both for the crits
#5
I honestly think that this is really interesting, especially with the title. I can really feel, not really a longing for this person but longing for the nostalgia that comes with it. Then the change in the next verse is almost like tearing out of that and really trying to snap out of that, to not care. stepping towards an almost blissful oblivion that waits. A very cynical outlook, like a young bukowski, haha Oh, and the first stanza does a really nice job of setting the tone.