#1
could really do with some feedback on this, it's a new style for me
crit for crit, of course

SWITCHBLADE SMILE (When all the lights go out)

When we were young you always seemed to know the answers
to questions that I never thought to ask before we met.
We sat upon the jetty, you said “life is for the taking.
We've so much left to do before it's time to meet our maker
if he's there.”

We went to university and you called me every weekend
to ask me what I thought of people I had yet to meet.
I told you that I'd dreamed about a land beyond the frontier
And side by side, you said, we'd have to share in this adventure.
Yes we would.

We got a little older and the answers, they seemed vaguer
a silver mist descended on our clear and lucid dreams
and though you tried your hardest, yeah, to keep the fire burning
there's a message in your eyes that says “perhaps it's just a waste of time,
you know?”

the best laid plans of mice and men, they often go awry
but we never failed before by being too afraid to try
and I think that I can trace the ending of the summer days
to the moment that you saw the girl who had
the switchblade smile

When all the lights go out my friend, I'll lead you through that darkened doorway,
sit you down, and till it's light we can tell each other funny stories

when everything you know is proved wrong and everyone you loved has moved on
I will be right there beside you, oh
when all the lights go out.

She worked a magic spell on you and I watched you getting smaller
And I knew the beating of your heart was a song of fire and ice
And I saw the longing in your eyes as you looked to the horizon
But I knew you couldn't shake the smile from where she thrust it deep
into your guts

On the day you wed her, well, I raised a glass of poison
as I asked all of our friends to wish you well upon your way.
I saw the triumph in her eyes and knew that it was over
And the flask I brought was nowhere near enough to numb the pain.

Some years on in the early hours I awoke to the phone ringing
and barely recognised your voice so dulled with drunken tears
turns out it's not easy, yeah, to keep up the pretences
and to play the part that's written for you in someone else's mind

When all the lights go out my friend, I'll lead you through that darkened doorway,
sit you down, and till it's light we can tell each other funny stories

when everything you know is proved wrong and everyone you loved has moved on
I will be right there beside you, oh
when all the lights go out.

and though that jetty crumbled long ago in to the water
side by side i'll take you there wrapped in a reclaimed dream
every day the stars will get the tiniest bit brighter
and time will close the wounds inflicted by that switch blade smile

When all the lights go out my friend, I'll lead you through that darkened doorway,
sit you down, and till it's light we can tell each other funny stories

when everything you know is proved wrong and everyone you loved has moved on
I will be right there beside you, oh
when all the lights go out.

when all the lights go out.
when all the lights go out.
when all the lights go out.
when all the lights go out.
#4
WHEN THE LIGHTS
GO DOWN
IN THE CITY!

Sorry man, couldn't resist. :P

*ahem* On to important stuff.

This is...

Pretty long. Not that that's bad. That was just my first impression of your work here. It's a pretty interesting story you're telling here. There's a pretty clear beginning, but it seems to get a little kinda vague every once in awhile, like the character's answers I guess. As a writer myself, I prefer to stay away from unnecessary adjectives, which usually tends to be most of them. Now that's just me, but there were some parts where I felt that a word was really only there for the sake of having that word there.

I don't know how far you are into this, but I'd keep it. Do some trimming of words here and there and maybe revise that fourth stanza. I felt it was just kinda there, not doing too much. But overall, pretty good.


EDIT: Oh yeah, what exactly IS a switchblade smile?
"Weaboo hipsters. The things nightmares have nightmares about."

Maybe it wasn't exactly smart to name my profile using a band I'm no longer in.
Last edited by lithiumvocals at Sep 24, 2011,
#5
Quote by lithiumvocals
Oh yeah, what exactly IS a switchblade smile?


a switchblade is a spring-loaded folding knife, so the metaphor is of a concealed weapon.
#7
**Thinks of the joker doing the "do you know how I got these scars" thing**

but srsly, this is purdy damn good. Although the lack of rhyming is kind of annyoning. Some half rhymes would have gone down nicely.

Other than that, the lyrics seem pretty deep, and well thought out. nice work.
#8
Confrabulationz on winning WotW. It's great to see a fresh writer write something so excellent. Hopefully I'll have time to offer a critique!
#9
Wow. Thank you, guys. A massive honour. There's so much talent in this forum and I'm really touched to have been picked.
#12
I think I will congrats on this just to get good karma so I can win one of these sooner or later....

Congrats...
I haz gotten gud
#14
I can see this being a La Dispute song....
Very nice work
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.