#1
c4c.....

argh....this thing is going to be the death of me....for almost half a year i have been trying to make it better....but...i can't....help me....

Play of the Wicked

Feel the sickness of the world around
its pulse ever slowly dieing
all the actors continue their act
left to watch as it fades away
the dieing breath of a decayed world

shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play

It is over, they have won
never again will there be a sun
rise with me and see
what they have done to us
the calamity of their sins

shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play

the actors have since died out
the audience is now free to shout
hurray for victory we have survived
but what is left of the world? Is it alive?
Are we to sit and watch it continue to crumble?
The crowd has been silenced to mere mumbles

shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play
I haz gotten gud
#2
Quote by ApatheticMe
c4c.....

argh....this thing is going to be the death of me....for almost half a year i have been trying to make it better....but...i can't....help me....

Play of the Wicked

Feel the sickness of the world around
its pulse ever slowly dieing
all the actors continue their act
left to watch as it fades away
the dieing breath of a decayed world
"its pulse ever slowing" would be a tad more dramatic to me. Maybe omit the 4th and 5th lines and end the stanza with something that adds to the over all piece. You've already shown that the world is dying, no need to reiterate.
shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play
Maybe alter this with some imagery. Right now it's a tad confusing though maybe you could explain what you are trying to convey here.
It is over, they have won
never again will there be a sun
rise with me and see
what they have done to us
the calamity of their sins
I like this
shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play

the actors have since died out
the audience is now free to shout
hurray for victory we have survived
but what is left of the world? Is it alive?
Are we to sit and watch it continue to crumble?
The crowd has been silenced to mere mumbles
So, were the actors holding back the demise of the world? I get that but maybe show me more than tell me.
shine into me and watch the sun die
I see it all the time in your dead eyes
I watch as your dreams fade away
brought to dust by life's sick play


To be perfectly honest, I think that there is a good piece lurking behind the scenes here. If you can bring out the meat of what your trying to say a tad more I think you'll be able to walk the line between obscurity and something tangible. For this subject, I think it would help the piece greatly.

Still, not bad at all. When put to music, this sort of thing becomes more vibrant.

Anyway, C4C? This one isn't nearly as good as my last and I could use another pair of eyes on it for thoughts.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482486
Last edited by merriman44 at Sep 25, 2011,
#3
sure thing i will c4c.....i actually have sort of lost the emotion behind this piece....it is just one of those i wish i would have had the idea for that now....i am a much improved writer and it was a good idea i just fudged it up with my crap words and imagry....thanks for the crit though....you gave me a few ideas....
I haz gotten gud
#5
yeah....i am thinking about doing that...i might keep a few lines...i might tear her apart and put her on my ideas page....i am just making sure she is good and dead before i do a total rewrite....i crited your work....peace
I haz gotten gud