#1
a couple weeks old, but the piece i wrote today was not something i was proud of. **** boston. making me write poorly and shit. blah.

edit: i removed 'my boss is pretty sexy' and substituted this instead. it gets my point across better anyway.


my god i love cotton shorts
black stockings, or when she's naked
starting high from her thighs
nude feet curling on the carpet
folding beneath her legs

small tee shirts with a low cut
a lacy tease when she cocks her neck
cheers before a shot, thick, dark
her eyelashes i mean, not the liquor in the glass
i'm in love with eyes
and legs
and hair
and tattoos
on her calves, on her quads

i appreciate beauty, sexiness
when it's lurking where you're not inclined
to notice
scars on your body
the bump in your nose
how deeply out of tune your voice is

yeah, i catch all the little glows
so let me make you ****ing radiate.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


Last edited by Cobrevolution at Sep 25, 2011,
#4
as in, perverted?
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#5
as in perverted....

can a man not view a woman as more than a mere piece of meat?...

or are we all still lustful cavemen?
I haz gotten gud
#6
^wow it is as if the addbot knew that this would get a lot of views because of the sexual content
I haz gotten gud
#7
Interesting, I suppose, that people took it that way, when there are multiple lines that point directly away from pure lust.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#8
Quote by Cobrevolution
a couple weeks old, but the piece i wrote today was not something i was proud of. **** boston. making me write poorly and shit. blah.

edit: i removed 'my boss is pretty sexy' and substituted this instead. it gets my point across better anyway.


my god i love cotton shorts
black stockings, or when she's naked
starting high from her thighs
nude feet curling on the carpet
folding beneath her legs
high and thighs is annoying.
small tee shirts with a low cut
a lacy tease when she cocks her neck
cheers before a shot, thick, dark
her eyelashes i mean, not the liquor in the glass
i'm in love with eyes
and legs
and hair
and tattoos
on her calves, on her quads
Nice play on words in the 2nd line. I enjoy the step back involving the liquor and her eyes.
i appreciate beauty, sexiness
when it's lurking where you're not inclined
to notice
scars on your body
the bump in your nose
how deeply out of tune your voice is

yeah, i catch all the little glows
so let me make you ****ing radiate.
The last two stanzas are where you attempt to pull away from the lust I take it? I think you fell a bit short after impressing upon the reader how much you care about appearance. With the last two lines it sounds like you want to accentuate her flaws to show you still think she is beautiful not in spite of, but because of said flaws?



I'm not a fan of this type of work but I think I understand where you wanted to go. It just didn't quite make it, which is why you are receiving the rage.

Crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1482486
Last edited by merriman44 at Sep 25, 2011,
#9
after a few more reads i can see that it is not all lust...

sorry....i sometimes judge a piece to fast...

not my forte` of writing but it is actually not that bad....I like it more on every read....agree with the high and thigh line being annoying...

I look forward to some other stuff from you...i might look at some old stuff too...

also you have given me the idea to tittle my next song scandalously for more views...lolz
I haz gotten gud
#10
It's more an addition instead of an opposition. IE, as much as I love seeing a girl wearing short shorts and a guinea t, my taste is wide enough that I can look at that same girl a few hours later when she's decked out in sweats and a hoodie and still say she's gorgeous. Likewise, as you hit on, flaws are what make us unique, physically. Crooked teeth, a mole next to her philtrum, heterochromia, pretty toes, freckles on her shoulders.

I've written some fairly provocative things in the past but I don't see this one as being more than an appreciation of beauty, in whatever form it manifests itself to be.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#13
i actually thought this was pretty damn good, everything except the ending. ive read it too many times before.

beauty lurking part, and cheers before the shot and all that? you've got yourself a fan.
the only helpful crit you seem to have gotten here would be from synth, although it would help if all of the respondents had been actual people and not bots
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#14
I have deleted the post but if you see a user with no avatar, very recent join date, and a name with numbers in it, commenting on your threads that simply repeats what has already been said, report them: they are adbots.

And as regards this thread, as awesome as it is to see folks having conversation on a piece, +1'ing a comment is not really constructive criticism and will be thus considered as spam. Please add something new to the argument or nothing at all.