#1
Draining the day
Draining the day away
Shut the blinds and the doors on my face

Wasting my brain
Wasting my brain away
Only the dark colors will stain

When will my eyes open wide
When will my light shine bright
Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Just sit on my bed and stare at the walls

Time to say,
Just go away.
To all the thoughts in my head.

Can't refrain.
Please stop the rain.
Please stop the zombies screaming in my head.

When will the stars align?
When will my dreams die?
Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Just sit on my bed and stare at the walls

Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Come sit on my bed and stare at the walls
Username is from years ago, just saying
Last edited by ChaozXxX at Sep 25, 2011,
#2
ooh this is a good read...i will crit tomorrown when i has more energy....i also wrote a peice titled "life's Walls"....i might have to put it up so you can crit that when i crit this....this is good stuffs...keep it up...
I haz gotten gud
#3
Thanks a lot i'd love to crit yours, looking forward to it!
Username is from years ago, just saying
#4
Here i go....

Quote by ChaozXxX


Draining the day
Draining the day away
Shut the blinds and the doors on my face
I like the repetition to start the ong off....sort of imediatly drives home a message....in the last line it reads better and makes more sense if "on" is replaced with "in"...oh and "shut" with "slam"

Wasting my brain
Wasting my brain away
Only the dark colors will stain
hmm....ok in a song this migth work but watch out when you repeat this much and use the same rhyme schme twice in a row....the last line would sound a bit more original if worded "Only the darkest of colors shall remain"

When will my eyes open wide
When will my light shine bright
Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Just sit on my bed and stare at the walls
Wow i wrote a chorus in this format about two days ago.....it works..I like it....

Time to say,
Just go away.
To all the thoughts in my head.
whoooaaa....slow down here..."head" doe snot rhyme with "say"....just joking...i like this change....i would omit the word "all" in the last line though

Can't refrain.
Please stop the rain.
Please stop the zombies screaming in my head.
I like this....Agian you could omit the "please" in the third line...

When will the stars align?
When will my dreams die?
Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Just sit on my bed and stare at the walls
I like the slight alteration of the chorus....it works...

Sitting on my bed, staring at the walls
Come sit on my bed and stare at the walls
last line reads better as... "Come sit on my bead and stare at these walls"



on an overal note.....this is good....sort of reminds me of how i write...i like how you sort of tied it together with similar rhyme and syllable counts....here is a link to one of my works...

http://profile.ultimate-guitar.com/ApatheticMe/blog/98836/

it is virginal and has not been crited so please rip her a new one...
I haz gotten gud
#5
Thanks a lot. Took everything you said into consideration.

I'll take a look at your work as soon as I get the chance!
Username is from years ago, just saying
#7
Haha thanks. I do tend to write somewhat 'dark' for the most part.
Username is from years ago, just saying
#8
The Walls are an Irish rock band. They were formed in 1998 by two ex-members of The Stunning.The Walls heard rumour of a second Slane Castle date for U2 (as the first concert had sold out in hours). They sent four copies of their album to the band. Bono loved it and offered The Walls a support slot. That day the band played to their biggest crowd to date – around 80,000 people. "To the Bright and Shining Sun" was their next single. That June they supported Red Hot Chili Peppers.