#1
any feedback greatly appreciated, i'll crit you back if you ask me to.

DECLINE AND FALL

i'd stand up and i'd be counted
if i'd ever learned how to fight
i'd join in the ranks of the martyrs
if i wasn't so afraid to die

and i don't think that it makes sense
to pray that god is listening
or show off scars you made yourself
like an honour badge on your lapel

so let's put on our sunday best
and set the world on fire
dance in silent ecstasy
with broken glass around our feet

we could stare into a crystal ball at the ending of the world
stand trial for all our sins without ever saying a word
we could talk of the collapsing of the systems and the state
or the line drawn in the sand between coincidence and fate
but we won't

we're shadows on the platform
in scarves and gloves and overcoats
and it smells of piss and cigarettes
and the mocking scent of forgotten hope

far away, the songs of drunkards
drift, tuneless, on the air
and the stars above are fading like
the tails of distant distress flares

so settle down and take your seat
while ghostly guards our tickets check
we're on the last train boud for nowhere
with homemade chains around our necks
#2
interesting lyrics man, really enjoyed the "we could talk of the collapsing of the systems and the state or the line drawn in the sand between coincidence and fate but we won't" part. loving the imagery as well like the broken the glass and the smells of "piss and cigarettes"
#4
I am too tired and sort of depressed to give it a good crit...i will say on the first and second read it sounded good...I may come back to crit this at a later date if you have not gotten more feedback....peace
I haz gotten gud
#5
I really like how perfect of a picture this paints of today's world. I really like the imagery and how the descriptions are vivid and interesting.

This is my favorite part "we're shadows on the platform
in scarves and gloves and overcoats
and it smells of piss and cigarettes
and the mocking scent of forgotten hope"

Nice work dude.
Check out mine if you get a chance: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1483154
#6
Quote by jumped_up_kid
any feedback greatly appreciated, i'll crit you back if you ask me to.

DECLINE AND FALL

i'd stand up and i'd be counted
if i'd ever learned how to fight
i'd join in the ranks of the martyrs
if i wasn't so afraid to die
Great opening for what you further delve into later.
and i don't think that it makes sense
to pray that god is listening
or show off scars you made yourself
like an honour badge on your lapel
Again, the imagery and play on words you use in this part is nothing short of fantastic to me
so let's put on our sunday best
and set the world on fire
dance in silent ecstasy
with broken glass around our feet

we could stare into a crystal ball at the ending of the world
stand trial for all our sins without ever saying a word
we could talk of the collapsing of the systems and the state
or the line drawn in the sand between coincidence and fate
but we won't

we're shadows on the platform
in scarves and gloves and overcoats
and it smells of piss and cigarettes
and the mocking scent of forgotten hope
The use of your aggressive wording here it really displays the frustration of the piece. Great!
far away, the songs of drunkards
drift, tuneless, on the air
and the stars above are fading like
the tails of distant distress flares

so settle down and take your seat
while ghostly guards our tickets check
we're on the last train boud for nowhere
with homemade chains around our necks
This last stanza was the only thing I didn't thoroughly enjoy. You kept the rest of the piece kind of in the abstract it seemed and I liked it that way. It gave it a universal feel. This part still fits and is good by itself but I think it detracts a bit from the piece overall.


Excellent writing gent. I really enjoyed the desperation and frustration that this piece brings out. Truly good.

C4C
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481694