#1
~c4c~

Stared into the dark room, very peaceful
Only a spect of light tinted through these cracked walls
Gothic bedroom stood tall, nothing to worry about
Violet flowers flourished, water leaked through the ceiling
The taste of wintergreen gin came to me
Apparent and stale
Very dry but potent
Porcupine flavor and prickely quills flourished
On the very tip of my pinkish tongue

In this dull moment, happened eleven days ago, nothing
Bitter flavor, aftertaste still lingers
My attention is glued to a beautiful pitch chorus
Frequency traveled gently towards my ears
Like warm rain misting through
In the evergreen country of Ohio

I glanced towards the window, very studious
Small yellow bird gently searching for something
Stood there for a moment like a california dream
Sunshine is abundunt and plentiful outside
Ocean waves crashing gently on shore

Soon after the small yellow bird disappeared
The aftertaste has grown evermore
Moments later the milk is sour
Sitting inside a jar for days

Something crashed aprutly outside
Stressed fracture knew it, pretending to be here
Cold sweat drips from the kitchen sink
Streaming down gently from my forehead
Whimpering to myself bed time stories
While trying to sleep

Dreaming, surpressed with ideas
Because the recurring events have stopped
Flashed before my eyes
Pearls and diamonds filled the twilight skies

In shear astonishment, alas hope has arrived
Felt warmth again
Covered underneath an ocean of trees
Protecting me from the monsoon rainstorms
While a warm breeze touches my face

Shipwreckage rested in the center of the room
Light years away lead to a destructive path
Mother nature laid present beside me
Where in a season of storms erupt
Ravaged the coasts of Atlantic sea
I managed to find peace
And fall back to sleep once more


~end~
Last edited by jod23 at Sep 26, 2011,
#2
Quote by jod23
~c4c~

Stared into the dark room, very peaceful
Only a spect of light tinted through these cracked walls
Gothic bedroom stood tall, nothing to worry about
Violet flowers flourished, water leaked through the ceiling
The taste of wintergreen gin came to me
Apparent and stale
Very dry but potent
Porcupine flavor and prickely quills flourished
On the very tip of my pinkish tongue

Not bad. You set the scenery, but I feel like it's a bit too vague to really paint a picture for me.

In this dull moment, happened eleven days ago, nothing
Bitter flavor, aftertaste still lingers
My attention is glued to a beautiful pitch chorus
Frequency traveled gently towards my ears
Like warm rain misting through
In the evergreen country of Ohio

I like this stanza much better. I'm finally getting a glimpse into how you're feeling and the imagery is much better here.

I glanced towards the window, very studious
Small yellow bird gently searching for something
Stood there for a moment like a california dream
Sunshine is abundunt and plentiful outside
Ocean waves crashing gently on shore

Seems irrelevant to the rest of the piece, but I like this stanza.

Soon after the small yellow bird disappeared
The aftertaste has grown evermore
Moments later the milk is sour
Sitting inside a jar for days

This stanza doesn't have as much interesting imagery going on but it gets the job done in moving the story forward.

Something crashed aprutly outside
Stressed fracture knew it, pretending to be here
Cold sweat drips from the kitchen sink
Streaming down gently from my forehead
Whimpering to myself bed time stories
While trying to sleep

This stanza is beautiful. This is the epitome of what I love in yout writing. Beautiful imagery and I love the abstract style in certain parts.

Dreaming, surpressed with ideas
Because the recurring events have stopped
Flashed before my eyes
Pearls and diamonds filled the twilight skies

This stanza feels a bit stale and cliche, especially the last line. I think it needs a bit of work.

In shear astonishment, alas hope has arrived
Felt warmth again
Covered underneath an ocean of trees
Protecting me from the monsoon rainstorms
While a warm breeze touches my face

I like the usage of weather throughout the piece, and you used it well here.

Shipwreckage rested in the center of the room
Light years away lead to a destructive path
Mother nature laid present beside me
Where in a season of storms erupt
Ravaged the coasts of Atlantic sea
I managed to find peace
And fall back to sleep once more

Beautiful ending.

~end~


Overall, this was a bit more real and raw feeling than your usual work, but I enjoyed your imagery and word choice as usual. Keep it up, mate.
#3
thanks sky, thank you very much with your insight to this piece. ive been hiking alot in the woods in northern michigan trying to find inspiration. i think its been mostly writing an literature on my time off. this site has allowed my to express my writing. in the most part its been postive.