#1
Send in the Clowns
"My father said what I had become
no one should be"
-J.S.T.


The circus spot lights glowed
over the trees to the east
you could hear the elephants groaning
if you listened

i fell in love with the way only you sound
it’s your words i believe in but
if thats supposed to be god
i dont know how

it was silent in the morning
there was the train of imprints
in the grass from the booths
the lines and tents

we walked through it like a graveyard
and you said you didn't understand
where those whistles came from
if they'd ever come again

they did a good job cleaning up
after the circus, and if it weren't
for the elephants groaning
i'd be glad to see them back

when you went back to the house
a young kid came panting in from town
with paint smeared across his shirt
and a name i couldn’t pronounce

and i laughed at him and told him
id help him if i knew how
and he spat at me
and frowned

when he said he wanted to kill me
and when he tried
i kept laughing and laughing
and when he finally stuck me

knife sideways through the ribs
i knew he had meant it
and i laughed harder and laughed
and coughed it all up through my mouth

god, I thought, where were you then
when all I needed was that voice of yours
to give me the perfect end
too happy for even a clown.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
Last edited by jiminizzle at Sep 27, 2011,
#2
Great. What happened to the jiminizzle of yesteryear whose writing wasn't nearly as inspiring as this?

No matter.

I loved everything but the elephant references, for some reason or another. I guess I just don't really like elephants all that much. They kind of tainted the imagery for me in an otherwise craftily depicted scene.

I especially like the second half, with the kid and the laughing and the stabbing and the name you couldn't pronounce. Random, yet possible, and excellently depicted.

Good shit, mayne.
#3
thanks a lot, blake. it means a lot coming from you. i'll think about the elephants. if that space could be better used anyway.
ill get back to you soon. good to see some green faces on the main page. look forward to reading your latests
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#4
pretty chill in the beginning, understand the circus theme relation to situation the narrator is facing. the imagary is relax and has that cirus feel. like it no complaints.

'when he said he wanted to kill me
and when he tried
i kept laughing and laughing
and when he finally stuck me

knife sideways through the ribs
i knew he had meant it
and i laughed harder and laughed
and coughed it all up through my mouth'

i think this section is bipolar from the rest of the piece. i feel its forecful towards the reader. kill and knife struck out as agressive. i'm passive when i read in the beginning. i think these lyrics work but in a different story. my input would be trap in a maze in the cirus hearing crazy laughter from clowns or goblins. idk. trapped in a crazy carnival where the antoginist or emeny is taunting the fears of the narrator. kill and knife sucks in this piece. i think you can expand it into something more deep which i gave my examples.

anyways good piece. enjoyed it though.