#1
a time for an echo, a time to let die; so much time to blow
secondbreaths for balloons to glow and float in september -
i think of them as simple, little invites to a day at the beach.
yes, i know it's cold and the leaves are blushing red;
i know it's raining and the sand is grey and wet;
but your skin glows porcelain in stormy weather
and your mascara runs blue in the rain - as in tears of joy,
as in how you'll probably look on your wedding day.

get mad at me if you want. this feeling of jealousy,
it feels too much like gravity, but i could be wrong.
a small town alight sits content a half mile offshore-
an american artform; it makes me want to tell you so much
of what you most likely don't know. and i'm here, nervous,
with a little too much rum and neruda in me -
as in how i'll probably be on your wedding day.
loved ones turning in unison, the beach burning
like a morning breath to begin an ordinary life;
"you must feel like you're walking on a cloud,
with rivers and seas in your lower periphery.
well, they still sing, though it's more of an echo now-
so good for you and him...a toast to them!
for keeping love alive, and for knowing when
and when not to bury it down inside."
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Oct 6, 2011,
#2
a time for an echo, a time to let die; so much time to blow
secondbreaths for balloons to glow and float in september -
i think of them as simple, little invites to a day at the beach.

yes, i know it's cold and the leaves are blushing red;
i know it's raining and the sand is grey and wet;

I really dig that


but your skin glows porcelain in stormy weather
and your mascara runs blue in the rain - as in tears of joy,
as in how you'll probably look on your wedding day.

I take back what I said here.


get mad at me if you want. this feeling of gravity,
it feels too much like jealousy, but i could be wrong.
instead, i'll move on to new shores with filled lungs,

The comparison of jealousy and gravity is so obscure that I feel it requires some form of explanation and justification. Something you did not provide.


with a little too much rum and neruda in me -
as in how i'll probably be on your wedding day.

I really dig that.


loved ones will turn in unison, the beach will burn
like a morning breath to begin an ordinary life;
"you must feel like you're walking on a cloud,
with rivers and seas in your lower periphery.
well, they still sing, though it's more of an echo now-
so good for you and him...a toast to them
for keeping love alive, and for knowing when
and when not to bury it in the sand."

Great closure. I think the part in quotations is my favorite of the piece. Hopefully it's something you came up with yourself.
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Sep 28, 2011,
#3
thanks man. i actually attempted to bridge the gravity-jealousy image but maybe its a little too hard to the reader to pick up on. i think i'm going to edit this further so i want to keep some of your suggestions in mind.

i'll get to yours once i get the chance.
here, My Dear, here it is
#5
thanks man. i actually like your idea. i think it illustrates what i was trying to get at better so thanks for that. i also made some additional edits.
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
Wow man, this is really really good. The gravity vs floating thing throughout the piece is a solid metaphor and I definitely agree with Dillon - the only line I didn't really like originally was "this feeling of jealousy", but it works perfectly as "this feeling of gravity". I'm not sure if this is intended as a poem or a song, so not sure about your meter-based restrictions, but you may want to reconsider the recurring wording of "as in how...". That's the only part that sounds a little awkward.