#1
Ok so I have a friend on here....I write poems for her when she has to go to sleep. Sort of a "hope this helps you have a good night" thing.....this one turned out to be a song....

Any Means

You are the star that shines
Brighter than all the rest
I would love to call you mine
But I have not yet passed the test

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love
This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems

There is a glow off your skin
That radiates inside my eyes
I can see the beauty reflected
But also a heart that's been neglected

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love
This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems

I know this is early
But for you I woke up
With a smile on my face
To take on another bad day

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love
This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems


I know this song is filled with cliche`s.....but it is not bad for a ten minute song....any thoughts on it???
I haz gotten gud
#2
Quote by ApatheticMe
Ok so I have a friend on here....I write poems for her when she has to go to sleep. Sort of a "hope this helps you have a good night" thing.....this one turned out to be a song....

Any Means

You are the star that shines
Brighter than all the rest
I would love to call you mine
But I have not yet passed the test

(This is really good, leave it as it is imo)

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love

(Maybe just 'you can learn to love' or 'and you can learn to love', although if promise is the key word to you then leave it, i think a slight rewording would help improve this though.)

This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems

There is a glow off your skin
That radiates inside my eyes


(Thought this would read better as 'that shines in my eyes' or some similar relevant rewording)


I can see the beauty reflected
But also a heart that's been neglected

(To simplify it could improve this, 'behind a heart that's been neglected' or just to make it slightly more direct, it's a good line though)

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love
This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems

I know this is early
But for you I woke up
With a smile on my face
To take on another bad day

(This is great, i wouldn't change it)

Please give me a chance
I promise you will learn to love
This boy who by any means
Is not as bad as he seems


I know this song is filled with cliche`s.....but it is not bad for a ten minute song....any thoughts on it???


Overall just a few small tweaks to help the flow better, but i really like this. It reminds me of a couple i done ; _ ; hope things work out.

Any chance you could help improve my song / poem thing? >.>
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1481517
#3
Yeah, like you said it's kinda all been done before but its not bad in any means. Clearly this is coming from some place deep inside though and that will be heard when you sing it. That's good cause (at least for me) emotion outweighs lyrics (most the time) in music so you could probably pull these lyrics off without any second questions. I would say I do like the third stanze more than the others too.
#4
ooh cool thanks guys...

Dangit zoot you fix my stuff way to well.....i will go and give yours a shot....

(oh i think i will leave this as is because i have already sent it to her and stuff...and the melody works with what is there....and I am working on a few other things...)
I haz gotten gud
#5
get an orchestra, a piano, and add a massive emotional solo towards the end and you have yourself a power ballad
#6
ooh i like that....I need to win the lotto or get famous then....because as of now that is out of my budget...
I haz gotten gud