#1
the melody i practiced met your ears with ill intent,

as the sun, long forgotten, left my frozen fingers cracked.

you bared your cutting bones in curvature of happiness,

and arc'd your five pill poppers like a catapulted corpse.

the danger i foresaw from gaping maw of velvet flesh,

arrived by horseless carriage in a fog of high regret

to an all-night caffeine cafe, carafe filled to the lips,

our undigested pieces were as aphrodisiacs.

the disentangled highway took us from our distortion,

exhausted, but undaunted by the continuity.

we shared a cancer causer casually from your pack,

until our destination wasnt destined to be long.

the past pictures returned to me as present pleasure pierced

your well defended walls of pure deception and fine silk.

here's hoping that the future holds no heavy-handed heart,

a harbinger of love lost in the form of lust renewed.

the twilight brought hallucinations, spectres now misplaced,

dissolved into a garbage can inverted by itself.

awakened in quarantine by a haunting sonic sound,

abolished in abstraction, music and the melody.
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Sep 30, 2011,
#2
I enjoyted reading this piece. It had nice abstract language but was still very comprehendable. (If that makes any sense). Lots of vivid imagery which I liked. My biggest gripe is I think it desperately needs some punctuation.
#3
words is my bitches i dont need no grammer punctuation is for lizards


that being said i went ahead and added more punctuation
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Sep 30, 2011,
#4
Quote by Dillon_Kennedy

caffeine cafe, carafe

cancer causer casually

present pleasure pierced

heavy-handed heart



I love these segments. I forget the poetical term for this type of writing, but its so fun to read. I enjoyed this piece very much! PUBLISH IT!
"CHOOSE YOUR FATE AND DIE!!"


-- Do as I say, not as I do. --
#5
Quote by Onzaso
I love these segments. I forget the poetical term for this type of writing, but its so fun to read. I enjoyed this piece very much! PUBLISH IT!


thank you!
just fyi its called alliteration. i like to write nonrhyming stuff to kinda break away from cliches.
#6
Right away this definitely started holding my attention.
"as the sun, long forgotten, left my frozen fingers cracked."
That line just hooked me in, and it kept going as the piece went on.
I really enjoyed to word choice and the general feel of the piece.
I don't have really anything bad to say about this. Great work.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#7
this piece has some pretty interesting lines in here and you concluded very nicely in the last couple lines. from "here's hoping.." til the end was easily the best part of the poem for me.

it is apparent that you're not short of ideas nor of interesting ways of wording those ideas. one thing i would suggest is to rein in some of your language which at times was difficult to understand. when you kept things relatively simple and focused on building an aesthetic as opposed to using allieration or similes (i.e. "the twilight brought hallucinations, spectres now misplaced"), your writing was so much more powerful. lines such as: "the danger i foresaw from gaping maw of velvet flesh, arrived by horseless carriage in a fog of high regret" could be worded much more effectively in my opinion. one thing i try to keep in mind is that i want every word to serve a purpose, whether it's to describe an image i'm creating, or whether it's helping build an aesthetic.

but like i said, you have the ability to write great. this piece, for the most part, demonstrates that.
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
I don't think this is a great piece but you show a fuck load of raw talent in it.

I could identify some common factors in the imagery but not a pervading theme. If you focused your gift for imagery and mood onto a central idea i think you'd be writing some incredible poetry.


It's like you've got a crazy amount of muscle, but you wont be a great fighter until you've learned some kung fu.
#10
That was refreshing to read.
Quote by Ian_the_fox
You're not girly enough of a boy for me, and you're not man enough to take the top. So like, sorry bitch but you ain't mine! Sorry.
#11
thanks for the positive feedback everyone!

i guess ill work on reining in the beast within...


i need david carradine's zombie to teach me the powers of darkness.