#1
Some lyrics I just wrote for my death metal project, named r00h!.
Any opinions and suggestions for future songs would be great.
Also, if you're religious do not read.

Sentence in the gaze of my eyes
"In a deep slumber, in hell's darkest corner,
You will die before you awake."
F**k the Lord, my soul has been taken.

Summoned unto me
The beasts of the apocalypse are tearing at the sky
The end of the world is nigh
But never too far out of my reach

I won't let myself die
I am caught in the undertow, trying to survive
Death is all around me, suddenly I stop
Breathing and try to turn back time

I see nothing is stopping me
Silence has dominated time
Yet speaks so loud
I can't hear myself scream

I cannot see
I cannot hear
All I am is a puppet
Hanging on the strings

I won't let myself die
I am caught in the undertow, trying to survive
Death is all around me, suddenly I stop
Breathing and try to turn back time

I am nothing to this world
I'm just another broken one
Dying inside the fire
We all will soon

I see nothing is stopping me
Silence has dominated time
Yet speaks so loud
I can't hear myself scream

That's all, folks. Not bad, I think, for a lyricist who used to write sarcastic, comedic and random lyrics to all his songs. Opinions?
Originally Posted by Azbats63
I'm the only white guy in a band in El Paso. My bandmates call me El Diablo Blanco. They tell me it means "trusted friend."
#2
i dont like it.

death metal is all about gory detail. There's none of that here.


"I cannot see
I cannot hear
All I am is a puppet
Hanging on the strings"


also, Metallica's "one/master of puppets", no?
#3
Quote by Redd_dymond
i dont like it.

death metal is all about gory detail. There's none of that here.


Ever heard of the band Death buddy? Not all songs have to be about gore.
#4
Quote by j-falafel
Some lyrics I just wrote for my death metal project, named r00h!.
Any opinions and suggestions for future songs would be great.
Also, if you're religious do not read.
what if one was a devout satanist huh?


Sentence in the gaze of my eyes
"In a deep slumber, in hell's darkest corner,
You will die before you awake."
F**k the Lord, my soul has been taken.
how about awaken instead of awake?

Summoned unto me
The beasts of the apocalypse are tearing at the sky
The end of the world is nigh
But never too far out of my reach
if the end is nigh and also never too far out of reach you are being redundant. try another line for the last or perhaps an antonym

I won't let myself die
I am caught in the undertow, trying to survive
Death is all around me, suddenly I stop
Breathing and try to turn back time
this isnt bad. perhaps a little cliche

I see nothing is stopping me
Silence has dominated time
Yet speaks so loud
I can't hear myself scream
either take out "is" or say "i see that nothing is..." also you might choose another word than "yet"

I cannot see
I cannot hear
All I am is a puppet
Hanging on the strings
i agree with redd_dymond on this

I won't let myself die
I am caught in the undertow, trying to survive
Death is all around me, suddenly I stop
Breathing and try to turn back time

I am nothing to this world
I'm just another broken one
Dying inside the fire
We all will soon
liked this alot till the last line

I see nothing is stopping me
Silence has dominated time
Yet speaks so loud
I can't hear myself scream

That's all, folks. Not bad, I think, for a lyricist who used to write sarcastic, comedic and random lyrics to all his songs. Opinions?



c4c? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1483740

with a little work this can be very good. i like the idea of being trapped in hell (literally or figuratively) its a subject i enjoy writing about as well. keep it up!!!
Last edited by Dillon_Kennedy at Sep 29, 2011,
#5
Well actually 'awake' is supposed to be awaken, I made a typo.
I have absolutely no influence from Metallica on this project, so the lyrics being similar is not my intention.
The word 'is' is intentionally there, think of the context differently and you'll see what I mean.
"The end of the world is nigh, but never too far out of my reach" is not redundant, the speaker is saying how the end of the world is nigh, but though it is not here yet it is still in reach, meaning he enjoys the chaos, he wants the world to end sooner.
Just to clear things up
Thank you for your criticism, I shall take this into account, and perhaps alter the lyrics.
By the way, what's wrong with "we all will soon"?
Originally Posted by Azbats63
I'm the only white guy in a band in El Paso. My bandmates call me El Diablo Blanco. They tell me it means "trusted friend."
#6
we all will soon just seem to me like a weak ending... but that is only my opinion. and i dont hear it the same as you so i may be wrong.