#1
It's every breath we've drawn and crumpled up
it's every minute we swore wasn't long enough
it's every thought we thought was sent from above
it's every moment we just couldn't quite call love

It's every I, and every you
It's every lie, and every truth

It's every breath I couldn't hold long enough
it's every ounce of sugar-coated fluff
I'm just fine, but thanks for the concern
if we never die, how would we ever learn

And every eye turns to you
because every lie now rings true

The stories come and go
and we know that no one knows
and that's alright with me

And the pictures come and go
and fall to the streets below
we'll relive history

I thought I'd never make it out alive
I guess the trap was really in my own mind
still I can't help but think aloud
how nice it'd be if I was never found

The stories come and go
and we know that no one knows
and that's alright with me

And the pictures come and go
and fall to the streets below
we'll relive history

Were you really feeling ill
would you go in for the kill
Would you? Because you said you will

I guess the lights were just too bright
I guess the sights were too alive
I guess I'm not really sure why
I was allowed to survive

And the stories come and go
and we know that they all know
I'll see you on the streets below

As we're lost in the flow
the pictures dance and glow
I hate to say I told you so

Did you go in for the kill
just because you said you will
were you really feeling ill

Did you live up to the blame
or did you deny the growing flames
I guess it's all one in the same

And as the stories come and go
as we're trapped in the streets below
I swear that they were never supposed to know
#2
Not sure why, but this really reminds me of a Jawbreaker song. The last line is great. Nice work, I really like this.
#3
Don't think I've commented on anything you've written before, but I really enjoyed this piece; not to say it's perfect, but everything you did, you did very well.

After the first 6 "It's every..." lines, I was wondering if it was going to be like that the whole way through, but you changed it up just before it became overdone, and all of those lines felt really strong to me. They're all articulate and seem to almost deliberately toe the line of cliche-ness because you know you can write well enough that it won't matter.

The dualisms are nice, too, and what I find really impressive is that you keep each verses' rhyme scheme very close, and yet it never comes off as contrived. Even easy rhyme pairs don't seem forced, so I've gotta give you kudos for that.

I'm not gonna talk about the theme/idea/whatever--I can't--all I can say is that it appeals to me, and I really liked it. I can imagine really liking this recorded as a song.

The one thing I can say I didn't particularly love was the "chorus" sections, where the lines repeat and then another "section" of lines is added each time it comes around again. I'm not sure why, because in theory I'm fine with it. It's possible that the verses just struck me as stronger...that might be it, looking back, the "chorus" sections are shorter, not as fleshed out, and the rhymes seem easier there. Not that you ought to change them, just my speculation. Take it with a grain of salt.


And now that I've written a long-ass post, the tl;dr: great piece, I really enjoyed it
Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.
#4
@irishstang: I've never heard of Jawbreaker, but thanks.

@Raysgotthis: I haven't been around S&L much in the past year or so, so that's probably why.