#1
Hey UG! Haven't been on here in quite some time now. Thought I'd get some feedback on a new piece. I'm good for hittin' you back, like always. Thanks.

It was one modest phone call, after a summer spent apart

Even with cables on her heart, I couldn’t jump it to a start

So let us part our separate ways, from the days we’d never stray

To realize that it’s over, would be to realize I can’t stay

Like this forever, but I play it over in my mind

And next time I’ll get it right, unless the loves once again blind

The 20/20 hindsight, proves I could have done it right

But I chose to run astray and now the day turns into night

So young, so naive, mac downhill and cold I-Ski

If you could see what I would be in time, before you set me free

Maybe then you’d recognize how much your presence changed me

I believe. That one day. I’ll find where I belong.
Until then I’ll hold my head up high, and stay strong

I shoulda stuck it out, I shoulda thought again

I should have known when I let you go, I’d lose you as a friend

The things that you can’t change in life are the ones you miss the most

And my footsteps are still haunted by the shadows of your ghost

Take it back to The Island, in the heart of the winter

Breathing’s heavy, air is frozen, the memories are bitter

The windows fogged up, with a young couples love

So pure and so true, but then the love wasn’t enough

To get him by and things got rough, he shaved his life away like scruff

And it was tough. Movin’ on so quick

But the taste of her lips, so real, I can’t forget

The smell of her shampoo, the swaying of her hips

As we’re walking in the park, the night her whole life flipped

She comes to me for comfort, when the walls are closing in

The temptation is insane, my control is growing thin

In the wind, she holds me even closer to get the warmth that’s from within

I can feel her heart beat, but her eyes have fallen dim

And I know I messed up bad, when I decided on a whim

Now i’m left with all the memories that won’t happen again

I shoulda stuck it out, I shoulda thought again

I should have known when I let you go, I’d lose you as a friend

The things that you can’t change in life are the ones you miss the most

And my footsteps are still haunted by the shadows of your ghost

Thought I had another chance, turns out it was too late
Fireworks all around us, but I was caught up in her gaze

It seemed the days had passed me by, driving through a haze

Darkness slowly swallowed light as I said goodbye and waved

She left again. Three hundred miles away

Now she’s running even faster at an unexpected rate

If I could only stop her now, I have no clue what I would say

But just to talk to her again, would make everything okay

So many things, I wish that I could change

If I got the chance to do it over, it wouldn’t be the same

I’d capture all the promises, forfeit all the games

Show you I can do it right, and i’m rightfully to blame

It’s so insane, how much time has passed by

Since I first held you close, in the middle of twilight

And how you changed my life that night, you’ll forever be inside

I might see you again sometime, but for now this is goodbye

I shoulda stuck it out, I shoulda thought again

I should have known when I let you go, I’d lose you as a friend

The things that you can’t change in life are the ones you miss the most

And my footsteps are still haunted by the shadows of your ghost

KidT aka Fallen Misery
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#2
i feel like ive written this before. which is to say i wrote one about what i believe to be a similar subject. just one qualm: it is a mouthfull. im certain if you condensed it (removed uneeded syllables just tleaving enough to get the meaning through) it would be a beautiful gem. for instance i love the mac downhill and cold i-ski line but i had to read though several cliches before i got there.
the second verse i very good. nd reminds me of a piece i wrote:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1483740

all in all a solid piece. i think you will like mine if you decide to read it
#3
I shoulda stuck it out, I shoulda thought again

I should have known when I let you go, I’d lose you as a friend

The things that you can’t change in life are the ones you miss the most

And my footsteps are still haunted by the shadows of your ghost



This is a bitchin' line.

Apart from that, like Dillon_Kennedy said, you have a lot of wording throughout. It's a mouthfull. Unless this is a rap (Which I read it as sort of rock-rap /shrug) it'll be hard to keep up with. But I though that it flows pretty well. If you can keep up with all of the wording, then this will sound really good. If not, you can definately filter out words to maintain the same atmosphere with less overhead.

What IS the musical context of this piece, anyway?
"CHOOSE YOUR FATE AND DIE!!"


-- Do as I say, not as I do. --
#4
Yeah, I wrote this as a rap as I generally do all my writings now. So it's a little easier to fit all the words in. I'm trying to go through and weed some stuff out that I don't really need to try and make things sound better. I'll try and get a link out when I get a rough version of this recorded.
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)