#1
(Think a pop-punk feel, almost blink-182 sorta sound)


Did i speak to soon?
Or not speak enough?
Did i talk too much,
when everything got tough?
Did you ever think,
we'd be more than friends?
I was i all along,
Just another trend?

What about the notes,
you left on my desk?
Used to sign your name,
with a oh and ex.
but now you talk behind my back,
you say you wanted none of that,
well how was i to know?
is this all a joke?

I had plans for both of us
but i didnt plan for this.
all i want to have right now,
is our first ****ing kiss.
when i pass you in the hallway,
when you show up un-announced,
should i tell you that you're awesome?
or is that shit not allowed?

theres no need to play with me,
cos i run this game,
and i swear once were done,
youll never be the same.
after class i saw you all alone,
you were lonely and afraid,
but so damn beautiful.

I had plans for both of us
but i didnt plan for this.
all i want to have right now,
is our first ****ing kiss.
when i pass you in the hallway,
when you show up un-announced,
should i tell you that you're awesome?
or is that shit not allowed?
#2
It's alright, and it definitely has that punk feel to it. I really like the line "There's no need to play with me, cos I run this game". The subject of the song is cliche, nothing new and it does seem a little childish. I think you could improve by getting rid of some of the rhymes in the first and second verses because its a bit much. Keep writing
#3
thanks man, appreciate the feedback. i suppose the subject is fairly cliche but i suppose its about a certain situation and most of the lyrics reflect on that situation, but i get what you mean. also the fact that im only 17 probably plays a part with the childish side of it :P

which rhymes in particular do you think would be worth changing? thanks
#4
Did i speak to soon?
Or not speak enough?
Did i talk too much,
when everything got tough?
Did you ever think,
we'd be more than friends?
I was i all along,
Just another trend?

Well, this definitely reminds me of blink-182
I'm not quite sure but the second line from the last seems a bit mucked up.
If this is supposed to be sung maybe 'everything' is a tough word to smash in there.
Overall this verse is a little rhythmically confused, but I enjoy the question theme.



What about the notes,
you left on my desk?
Used to sign your name,
with an oh and ex.
but now you talk behind my back,
you say you wanted none of that,
well how was i to know?
is this all a joke?

well, I'm not going to get on your case about grammar because I don't find it extremely important. Especially in a song, I mean no one is going to read this along with your performance but it definitely helps with the flow of everything. Flow overall is the main thing I notice so far, but that comes with practice anyways.
Really though everything here seems pretty rough, but I do like how you spelled out the letters, that almost adds a cynical vibe which is always nice in these types of songs.


I had plans for both of us
but i didnt plan for this.
all i want to have right now,
is our first ****ing kiss.
when i pass you in the hallway,
when you show up un-announced,
should i tell you that you're awesome?
or is that shit not allowed?

The refrain stands out to me, not only for the change in tone but also the flow seems a lot better. Still, mainly this says very little in ways of your voice. Although, it is very raw. Which is something you should hold on to.


theres no need to play with me,
cos i run this game,
and i swear once were done,
youll never be the same.
after class i saw you all alone,
you were lonely and afraid,
but so damn beautiful.

This is very cluttered but has a few gems worth keeping. The last two lines are interesting to me. Still, the grammar is a little tough to get past. You should really hunt down the words you want for what you are going for. Using alone right before saying afraid is kind of too much.


I had plans for both of us
but i didnt plan for this.
all i want to have right now,
is our first ****ing kiss.
when i pass you in the hallway,
when you show up un-announced,
should i tell you that you're awesome?
or is that shit not allowed?



Overall, there is some real potential. It's pretty rough but it's straight forward. Try and use more of your vocabulary. Words are your friend. They convey a message, and a particular word choice will really help you develop a voice as a writer.
#5
Thanks for that! loving the detail bro! in that first verse, the second to last line isnt supposed to have the "I" at the start, that was a typo, whoops! and yeah the grammar is a bit off but mainly because I rushed it haha. also in the refrain, what do you mean by "Still, mainly this says very little in ways of your voice" ? just wondering.

thanks for the detailed feedback though, much appreciated!